In Sync with Why

"I bless this journey
with moments of delight
where time disappears
and truth emerges...."
Peleg Top

Week Four Life Book 2014

This quote by Peleg Top is my current measure to see if I'm in sync with my why. Why am I doing what I'm doing now? When I'm in touch with my why, I create with soul filling energy.

I would say I'm deep in the healing step of reclaiming my joy in creating. Yesterday I stopped by a shop that shows my cards. I wanted to swap some out, and when I got home, the truth was that I didn't want to make cards to sell anymore. I love the time I spend drawing. The joy drained out when I began to "manufacture" them to sell. Above my desk is an  unfinished painting from Flora's last online class. It has a lot going for it. When I can approach it again and work on it with delight, I will. I will not struggle with myself to get myself to do it. Right now I'm having a lot of fun beginning with a toilet roll and seeing what I can do with it. I'm playing to get the fun back into art.

Elements of an Assemblage in Progress

As I try out different elements and while I play with assemblages, the hours pass seamlessly. I draw little ladies that make  me happy. They grew out of years of doodling and express various parts of me. As with writing, when I draw, my creative expression comes from following an intuitive trail, and when I come to the end, I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Painting is a very different thing. Much more difficult and less spontaneous. My main achievement in Flora's Bloom True class is letting go of outcome. I love big brushes, big canvases, big mess, lots of layers. Fun if I don't make work out of it. I'm looking forward to that.

I'm so grateful to artist Jeanne Bessette who asks great questions on her HeArt Space Facebook page.

Baruch ata adonai...it's so easy to do what I do because I've walked down a path I thought was a good idea or because someone encouraged me to, but when I've lost energy and enthusiasm for that way of doing or being, I've lost myself. Just now there are lots of teachers in my life all saying the same thing in different ways and I'm hearing them. Thank you. Amen

Something from Nothing

Start with a blank canvas, a piece of white paper, a cardboard toilet roll. Start the new year wtih ideas from two internet classes, Creative Jump Start and Life Book 2014. Where have three weeks gone? Here's my show and tell.

 

Scrapwrap. Start with a household item, stuff in your stash, low technology and creative time.

Life Book 2014 is a year long class. Each week a new teacher, new techniques. Carla Sondheim, this week's teacher, is known for her blobamils. Start with a blob of paint and see what appears. This is some octopus!

Start with a day set aside to do art. Start with good intentions. Then clean out your studio, get involved with HeArt Space on Face Book, spend time with some newly salvaged stuff for cardboard box art, eat, make some appointments, check for email, go for a walk, lose something you've put in the scanner, spend time trying to find it cleaning up as you go, need to go to the Dollar Store, Michaels, feel tired from so much avoiding doing art. That was yesterday. I'm sure today will be completely different.

 Make a flower with two pieces of paper and see where it goes next.

Lay down three different kinds of tape. Make sure they overlap. Fill in with pen. Who is waiting to appear?

I'm not even going to tell you what this animal was suppose to be. The task was to draw an animal in one continuous line with your eyes closed. Another was to cut a typed paragraph into words or phrases and compose a story. That was a bit of a bust for me. Instead I wrote part of the story around this guy.

Baruch ata adonai...I am having fun and growing and my mind is in creative places. I am grateful. Amen

Open Studio

I'm reading The Hare with the Amber Eyes, a book about a particular collection of objects that is passed down to the author, Edmund de Waal. As he traces their journey, he steps through the door to his family's history as well and learns much more than he could have imagined. This week I also looked through Where Women Create, a magazine showing the work spaces of women artists, and I wondered what one of my work spaces says about me. Here are some of the views of my writing space.

If you sat at my desk and turned your head to the left, this is what you would see. In the first column of shelves are what remain of the books my parents read to me as well as books I read to my children and grandchildren and children's books I bought on trips to foreign countries. In the middle section you see my blue Smith Corona from my freshman year in college and above that, a step below the center of this section is a storyteller from Santa Fe and poetry books from when I was writing poetry. The third section is Judaica, the history of my genetic makeup. Each item on these shelves is connected to a specific memory and touching any of those things transports me to my past.

If I look up from my computer, I see a shelf of my aspirations and books and nichos I've created. I think this shelf is is about what I want for myself.

I like that part of me that is so earnest about creating and is mostly appreciative, looking back, on what I accomplished. At the time it may have been a much different story, but with time, lots of it looks better to me now than then. When I learned about putting books together with binder rings, it gave me an enormous sense of freedom. The first books are the ones at the top. You can see the covers. They're alphabet books containing quotes, cards, stuff I liked at the time. Below these books are three containing a cache of cards I thought I might use as a writing prompt. I'm sure there's a book there I doubt I'll ever write. There are journals from trips and art journals and in the lower left, an accordion book I created with the most delicious Indian orange pages. I think these must be my personal museum shelves.

There's a soulful continuity here I didn't appreciate before I started writing this blog. I began writing about something completely different, and I'm not sure how I segued into where I am at the moment. I'm glad I trusted the need to refocus my writing. Now I can see why I like being in this room.

When I write, I learn things about myself I didn't know before. What I see in this writing is the way I've been able to trust and invest and reinvent myself over my lifetime. It's very comforting to know, especially when I'm currently stewing over an unresolved issues it seems I should be able to let go of or change. 

Baruch ata adonai...this morning I woke up very early and gave myself unstressed time to read and write. I'm grateful I didn't continue to stay in bed and think about what I would do today. Now I feel very ready to enjoy what will arrive through my open door. May I resolve the unresolved and be a more loving person today. Amen

Feeling Content

"All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple of years you make stuff, it's just not that good. It's trying to be good, it has potential, but it's not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer...It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as  your ambitions."Ira Glass

This morning it only took me an hour to make that watermark. That's a lot of time first thing in the morning. I started at 7:15 and voila! There it is, covering up an important world. I'm settling for good enough. One of my words for this year is ease, and so I relax. This morning Ira Glass whispers in my ear, "It's going to take awhile. You've just gotta fight your way through."

Well, here she is. My artistic guardian. I love her. She's the first face I've ever drawn I truly love. She looks me steadily in the eye and reminds me to keep being creative and pay no attention to those snotty voices that could be muttering away if I were to listen. She wants me to have fun. And I am. I do need to give her a name. Hmmmm. I'm going to give this some thought today.

My guardian, loving and steely, appeared during the first assignment in a year long online class, Life Book 2014. One week into it and I'm smitten. I think it's going to be a wonderful course for me. There are students from all over the world. It's a huge class in terms of the number of people participating and the content. In the first week there were six videos. There will be many guest teachers over the course of the year, and Tamara, the founder, producer and guide-in-chief has done an amazing job of building in support for artists like me whose courage might flounder, whose stuff is just not that good, yet, but trying to be good and getting better with practice.

The word you can't quite see is Abundance. My guardian wants me to explore Abundance. Isn't she wonderful? With ease!

Usually the first few months of the year I like to go away to someplace warmer and sunnier. Last year I painted in Mexico. Another year we spent a month in Kauai. This year I am very happy and content to be at home and to grow myself right here in my own sweet place. Sometime feeling content has a short shelf life. Today I'm creating a gratitude jar and dropping a little piece of paper inside, a reminder that today at nine in the morning, I am feeling an abundance of contentment.

Baruch ata adonai...I rejoice in moments like this when everything seems right with my world. I rejoice that I recognize in this very moment I am optimistic and happy. No qualifiers. Thank you. Amen

Before I Walk Through the Open Door Into The New Year

"In the case of the creative mind, it seems to me, the intellect has withdrawn its watchers from the gates, and the ideas rush in pell-mell, and only then does it review and inspect the multitude. You worthy critics, or whatever you may call yourselves, are ashamed or afraid of the momentary and passing madness which is found in all real creators, the longer or shorter duration of which distinguishes the thinking artist from the dreamer. Hence your complaints of unfruitfulness, for you reject too soon and discriminate too severely." Friedrich von Schiller

Because I have been willing to trust my creative mind more than ever before, trust its murmuring, trust its quiet little voice, its tap tap tapping patiently on my shoulder and especially when it slaps like a thunderbolt, I have learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of doing. As I continue to be willing to be active in the process of letting go, I've been able to keep my inner "worthy critic" at bay longer than before. When I saw this quote last week it resonated with a big wow. "I reject too soon and discriminate too severely." I compare my work in process with an accomplished artist's final product, and you know all about that don't you!

Because I paid attention to my mind's murmuring, I signed up again for Bloom True, an acrylic painting class with Flora Bowley. I've got a long way to go before I'm at home with acrylics and canvas. I've taken classes from her before and love her style, her use of color and her willingness to take chances. This year Flora stretched herself a lot and she showed her students the personal risks she is taking even though she was way beyond uncomfortable taking them. I enjoyed painting for longer and longer periods of time and though one painting is still in a chaotic state, two others are hanging in my home, reminders of how far I've come in this process.

I'm much more comfortable drawing my little ladies as well as mixed breed animals all of whom defy gravity and normal body shapes. After years of being shy about sharing this with others, I went public on my blog and in real life by putting cards together and selling them. Our local museum shop took a chance on me as did a half dozen other venues. I'm learning what I don't want to do again, and last night I wrote down steps I could take next year, tomorrow, to continue to grow and take chances in this area. My inner critic is quite willing to withhold comments when it comes to drawing. What a relief.

It was quite a surprise to realize what a creative lightning strike can accomplish. There were three I can think of. One clap pushed me down the road to others. Flora suggested I look into the August Joy Up, a vision book class. I loved doing that and made some discoveries about myself. One is that I love horses. Through the joy of creating vision pages and trusting the process, I discovered equine therapy. I was moved to make all arrangements to take a class only a couple of weeks away within hours of discovering that it existed.

The rewards from making the cards have gone way beyond the steps of creating, making and selling. I've met a wonderful new friend that way and put together two books, one combining prayers and drawings. I've learned to ask for what I want and take chances. A goal for the new year is to create a different line of cards, keep track of the expenses, and make the process of putting the cards together much simpler and keep the cost of the card down. If you have experience along this line and are willing to share, please contact me.

I'm closing the door on 2013 with no regrets and a feeling of accomplishment and joy. Yeah!

Baruch ata adonai...may I trust my creative mind and let it grow without the need to check its madness with fear and shame. Hallelujah! Amen

Friendship and Gratitude

"When you are aware of all that has been given to you, in your lifetime and in the past few days, it is hard not to be humbled and pleased to give back. Most humbling of all is to comprehend the lifesaving gift that your pit crew of people has been for you." Anne Lamott

Yesterday and the day before captured everything good about 2013.

One day was totally and unexpectedly dominated by the celebration of friendship, and I began to rejoice in the way serendipity brings us together and then glues us through all the calamities and joys of life. Two friends who arrived by pure chance have stayed for decades. Another opened the door just a few months ago. The amazing thing is that we each recognize something undefinable and alluring in each other which is worth sticking around for. Many friends come through shared interests, and I wonder when so many others are involved in the same way, what it is about certain people that keeps us checking into each others lives. My friends have rallied over and over this year. Thank you all. You are better than magic, and I know I am so lucky.

Yesterday we drove to the mountains to have lunch with our grandchildren and watch them confidently and eagerly start their skiing lessons. It was the Monday before Christmas and not many people or other creatures were were stirring on the road or at the resort. We drove over to the mountain and hiked into our cabin. A couple was ice skating way out on the lake. It seemed like a daring and joyful thing to chance so early in the season. We crunched our way over the snow filled road, checked out our cabin which looked snug and brave, and then continued down to the lake.  Could a day be more life affirming, more soul drenched, more beautiful and pristine? It was truly a winter wonderland.

As the year ends, I am filled with gratitude, optimism, and good health. At least for a few days, maybe if only for today, may I remember to stop and enjoy each moment. May I look into the eyes of others and see them. May I go forward and into the future minutes and hours with soft sweetness. May we all.

Baruch ata adonai...More and more for more and more time I feel I am the person I want to be. It is good to feel comfortable within myself. May I be the friend others are for me. May I continue to be willing to learn and change and challenge and accept what comes to me day by day. Thank you for the blessings of this year. Amen

 

Who You Gonna Call?

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile...initially scared me to death."  Betty Bender

I have friends whose first thoughts are assisted living or a memory unit. In the middle of the night when the distant drums pound and thoughts escalate from stubbed toe to amputation, I go right to my funeral. Since last night was my first pain free night in the past three months (high fives and applause please), I've had a lot of opportunities to consider disaster and healing, letting go and gratitude.

It all started with a fall eleven months ago. During this period I first saw an MD who referred me for a set of xrays and a cortisone shot that didn't do squat. Then I marched through acupuncture, eleven sessions of physical therapy and therapy from assorted body workers until I finally found the right healer who accomplished the job in two sessions. Would he have brought relief three months ago? I don't know. I do know my most fervent gratitude often comes from my greatest turmoil, and I am too busy being grateful to think about that just now. Then there is the nagging question, who should I have gone to first? "Ghostbusters!"

Our medical situation stinks in so many ways. Our insurance will pay for drugs but not for talented healers who look deeper for mind/body connections or who can feel with only the equipment of their hands what is going on below what can be seen with xrays, healers whose path didn't take them to medical school. During this time, my husband went through his own health trauma. His help ultimately came after we experienced the worst and the best medical care in our area and only because I kept pushing through the mire. A year and a half after a shunt was put in his brain to reduce hydro cephalic pressure, he has passed through a plethora of dementia symptoms to mostly, but not entirely, age related forgetfulness. It is truly a miracle.

Cataract surgery is another medical miracle. Last week, my right eye went from not seeing well at all even with glasses to 20-20 for distance, and even reading without glasses is much better. Tuesday my left eye will be dealt with, and then my sight will be incredibly good.

I am grateful for my dogged determination and unwillingness to have anyone tell me due to aging  health problems are to be expected, especially when it's someone in her forties who seems to have that wisdom to pass on. Doctors have slipped that into their conversation for thirty years! I am getting older, but that doesn't dementia or constant intense body pain is to be accepted as inevitable. I went into last week's cataract surgery thinking I looked more and more like my mother and came out realizing I look like my grandmother! I can understand the desire for facial surgery now, but where would I start and where would I stop? And how would I feel now if I accepted the conventional wisdom that with age comes decrepitude. Every age has challenges and giving up isn't the answer to any of them.

All along this journey, I have been caring for my inner child and finding others to do that job when I'm feeling too little to help myself. Equine therapy, art classes, gathering in the strength of my friends, asking for help and guidance, and laughing with my film club friends have inspired me and held me up. In my best moments, I feel as though I'm often in touch with the wisdom of age. If not now, when?

Baruch ata adonai...in the past year I've had ample opportunity to learn patience. I'm not sure I have. I know you will test me again. I've had ample opportunity to get out of my own way and out of the way of others, and often I do. I know you will test me again. May my learning never stop. May my courage continue. I'd like a little more grace. Perhaps I can learn that without too much prompting. Amen