Living with Diminshed Urgency

Only a few things in life really matter, and those few things that do matter, matter immeasurably. Kent Kilbourne

"I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise."
Dawna Markova

Most of last week I spent doing stuff that was important at the moment but not what recharges and refreshes me.  For a few days I was on a tight time table to get things done and there was a price I didn't count on paying. My five minute first-thing-in-the morning writings were superficial and unsatisfying. There was no time to write my blog which often helps me know who I am that day. My sleep was worse than usual, there was no time to do art and these are the things that matter immeasurably to me.  At this point in my life, I've completed most of my life tasks and now I live in a way I haven't before: meandering rather than being purpose driven. I can't go back. Through writing and playing with colors and media I've learned to open myself to myself. I am continually grateful I have the luxury of diminished urgency.

Finally on Friday, I did something that really mattered. I got to be Nana. I picked up Charlie after school and  and we went to the arcade, to the bookstore, to the yogurt shop, found a small outpost of San Francisco's Exploratorium where we explored magnets and iron filings and how each ear functions separately from the other depending on the input. He's close to seven and holding hands when we cross the street isn't what he wants to do, so we held fingers. Each time we crossed we figured out how to make different fingers hold on to each other. The next day I watched my almost nine year old granddaughter become a fearless soccer goalie and immersed myself in appreciation of my other granddaughter as she navigated playground equipment both fearlessly and with an awareness of what is safe for her four year old self to do and what isn't.

Today I when I woke up I wrote and painted and went for a walk with a friend. I enjoyed some homemade soup for lunch. I took a shower around noon and went out to do some errands. Today I put a spell on myself and did only things that satisfy and refresh me. If you could see me now, you would see me pounding my chest and dancing up and down. Well, not actually. I'd like to see myself doing that too.

I think these pictures I completed yesterday afternoon reflect a letting go of too much busyness.

Baruch ata adonai....Help me to remember what is important to me and what isn't. Help me to tell myself and others I can't do some things even if I want to because it isn't good for me. May I have the courage to be attentive to the steps I take. Amen

Hope and Capability

Today I honor fusion and confusion
beginning again
trusting what has passed.

Today I honor hope and capability,
embrace forward movement.
I'm only on the five thousandth try
with five more to go.

Today I honor brokenness 
and tolerance of change
as just another
life variation
not a road block
not a rude heave ho
off the path.

Today I honor wearing myself out
before I remember to stay
in the here and now.
I balance hope and
my current capabilities,
my life in this
present moment. 

I am a month and six days into my morning five minute writing challenge. Now I'm not skipping any days because I forget to write. Now I feel incomplete if I don't sit down first thing in the morning and begin the day with finding out who I am before the day shaped by the calendar or art challenges convinces me I'm someone else. I've been writing for years. I've done this before. I hope I don't stop this time.

Do you know "The Humans of New York" blog? Brandon Stanton spoke in my home town last week and reminded me yet again that it takes a lot of work to be as good as your ambitions. And he's only 30. And darling. And his book is a best seller. And he's been at it for four years. And in those four years he went from not owning a camera to taking pictures every waking moment to the point he has taken hundreds of thousands photos and humbled himself and worked along until he honed his craft to wonderful captures of life. 

Baruch ata adonai...I am aware I am not hard on myself now as I paint or draw or challenge myself to use new art materials. Sometimes my work disappoints me, but I'm aware that I've done the best I can do at the time, and that everyone goes through this crablike progression of moving onward while seeming to stagger backwards and lurch sideways as long as they continue taking one step after another. I do not doubt the rest of me is watching my progress to see if I can make it work in other parts of my life. Thank you for being with me on this journey. Amen

Let Go of Rules to Get Moving

"'Synchronicity is there when we're ready for it.' It's like the first rule my father taught us about surfing. You have to be moving to be moved. It's one part labor, one part grace." Jeff Nunokawa

Baruch ata adonai...writing today's blog has been an exercise in patience. It has taken me hours. Because I haven't been writing, I'm rusty. I'm going to begin writing everyday for five minutes first thing in the morning. I used to do this and I want to begin again. I am grateful to myself for coming back to this piece over and over until I finished. Amen - See more at: http://morningprayerblog.blogspot.com/#sthash.ZgKQknq9.dpuf

At the end of my last blog, I committed to writing five minutes each morning to stretch my writing muscles. I pulled out three thin volumes by poets Mary Oliver, Wislawa Symborska and Billy Collins so they would be ready for me to open to a random page in the morning. Years ago I worked my way through Genesis and Exodus in this way. That night before going to bed I leafed through an old New Yorker and read about Jeff Nunokawa, a Princeton professor, who does exactly the same thing I'm doing and has done it for years on Facebook. It was hard for me to fall asleep. I wanted to Google him and could hardly wait to begin writing. He too finds a writing prompt, writes on it for five minutes or more, and publishes it on Facebook.The next morning I emailed him to say how amazing it is that I should have had this particular magazine for so long and only last night read about him. I concluded, "Synchronicity is there when we're ready for it." He wrote back, "'Synchronicity is there when we're ready for it.' It's like the first rule my father taught us about surfing. You have to be moving to be moved. It's one part labor, one part grace."


I Go Down to the Shore by Mary Oliver.
I go down to the shore in the morning
and depending on the hour the waves
are rolling in or moving out,
and I say, oh, I am miserable
what shall--
what should I do? And the sea says in its lovely voice:
Excuse me, I have work to do.

If I am miserable, it doesn’t matter if the waves are moving in or moving out. It doesn’t matter if I say I should. It doesn’t matter.  If I am miserable should I simply be miserable? Allow that to happen? What a waste of a day. Waves do what they do. And for me, writing. If I want to or not. If I feel inspired or miserable, or too busy. I’ve set myself just five minutes to play in the waves. I can consider it my work or I can consider it my chance to play unfettered by rules or purpose other than to write. My internal waves come and go, in and out, and I too have work to do. 3/4/14

I could edit this endlessly, but the thing about a five minute writing is that I don't. I love it because I learn something I wouldn't learn in the endless loops of rethinking and rewriting. At the end I have recommitted to the next day. I love it because it's imperfect and I get to leave it just that way.

Baruch ata adonai...writing gives me such joy when it is freely received by me and written down without my brain commenting on anything at all. I begin writing before it is awake enough to make kindly suggestions or do an eye roll. It's as if I'm in love all over again. Amen

Baruch ata adonai...writing today's blog has been an exercise in patience. It has taken me hours. Because I haven't been writing, I'm rusty. I'm going to begin writing everyday for five minutes first thing in the morning. I used to do this and I want to begin again. I am grateful to myself for coming back to this piece over and over until I finished. Amen - See more at: http://morningprayerblog.blogspot.com/#sthash.ZgKQknq9.dpuf

Baruch ata adonai...writing today's blog has been an exercise in patience. It has taken me hours. Because I haven't been writing, I'm rusty. I'm going to begin writing everyday for five minutes first thing in the morning. I used to do this and I want to begin again. I am grateful to myself for coming back to this piece over and over until I finished. Amen - See more at: http://morningprayerblog.blogspot.com/#sthash.ZgKQknq9.dpuf

Before I Walk Through the Open Door Into The New Year

"In the case of the creative mind, it seems to me, the intellect has withdrawn its watchers from the gates, and the ideas rush in pell-mell, and only then does it review and inspect the multitude. You worthy critics, or whatever you may call yourselves, are ashamed or afraid of the momentary and passing madness which is found in all real creators, the longer or shorter duration of which distinguishes the thinking artist from the dreamer. Hence your complaints of unfruitfulness, for you reject too soon and discriminate too severely." Friedrich von Schiller

Because I have been willing to trust my creative mind more than ever before, trust its murmuring, trust its quiet little voice, its tap tap tapping patiently on my shoulder and especially when it slaps like a thunderbolt, I have learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of doing. As I continue to be willing to be active in the process of letting go, I've been able to keep my inner "worthy critic" at bay longer than before. When I saw this quote last week it resonated with a big wow. "I reject too soon and discriminate too severely." I compare my work in process with an accomplished artist's final product, and you know all about that don't you!

Because I paid attention to my mind's murmuring, I signed up again for Bloom True, an acrylic painting class with Flora Bowley. I've got a long way to go before I'm at home with acrylics and canvas. I've taken classes from her before and love her style, her use of color and her willingness to take chances. This year Flora stretched herself a lot and she showed her students the personal risks she is taking even though she was way beyond uncomfortable taking them. I enjoyed painting for longer and longer periods of time and though one painting is still in a chaotic state, two others are hanging in my home, reminders of how far I've come in this process.

I'm much more comfortable drawing my little ladies as well as mixed breed animals all of whom defy gravity and normal body shapes. After years of being shy about sharing this with others, I went public on my blog and in real life by putting cards together and selling them. Our local museum shop took a chance on me as did a half dozen other venues. I'm learning what I don't want to do again, and last night I wrote down steps I could take next year, tomorrow, to continue to grow and take chances in this area. My inner critic is quite willing to withhold comments when it comes to drawing. What a relief.

It was quite a surprise to realize what a creative lightning strike can accomplish. There were three I can think of. One clap pushed me down the road to others. Flora suggested I look into the August Joy Up, a vision book class. I loved doing that and made some discoveries about myself. One is that I love horses. Through the joy of creating vision pages and trusting the process, I discovered equine therapy. I was moved to make all arrangements to take a class only a couple of weeks away within hours of discovering that it existed.

The rewards from making the cards have gone way beyond the steps of creating, making and selling. I've met a wonderful new friend that way and put together two books, one combining prayers and drawings. I've learned to ask for what I want and take chances. A goal for the new year is to create a different line of cards, keep track of the expenses, and make the process of putting the cards together much simpler and keep the cost of the card down. If you have experience along this line and are willing to share, please contact me.

I'm closing the door on 2013 with no regrets and a feeling of accomplishment and joy. Yeah!

Baruch ata adonai...may I trust my creative mind and let it grow without the need to check its madness with fear and shame. Hallelujah! Amen

The Little Book of Little Ladies

Today I gave my Little Ladies' their very own book. They're so very happy, and they wonder what the heck is going on with me. They don't know that after taking care of them, I spent gnarly time paying bills. What would they know about bills?  And they don't care that I'm finding that tremendously anxiety producing. Or that I really want this blog to be about exploring gratitude which I'm apparently not feeling too much of right now. They say today it's all about them.

The sweet thing about the Little Ladies is that they are always smiling, probably because they never have to pay bills, or feel guilty, or parse the meaning of gratitude.

 

Here are their aunts who are twenty years old now and off on their own very dramatic adventures. I want to be going where the one on the right is going, but I'll probably go walk my dog.

Inside their sunny exteriors, they're not quite sure what they should wear, but they know they would probably feel braver and happier in their tutus and boas or on rare occasions their hula skirts.

They have the most amazing ability to spin off into ecstasy with the least provocation,

and have delightful encounters, like when they get to go fishing or skating.

There's more, but they're feeling shy and mumbling about nap time.

I do have some thoughts about gratitude and hope they'll organize themselves for a proper prayer blog tomorrow. Meanwhile the Little Ladies are giggling about their first venture on the wordless pages.

Creative Every Day November 11

"No positive change can occur in my life as long as I cling to the thought that the reason for my not living well lies outside myself." Terry Hershey

To warm up this morning, I continued on with a new canvas by painting cool colors over warm. The random marks don't bother me. It's suppose to be this way. Out of randomness comes the picture that wants to be born like Michelangelo sculptures emerging from stone. He probably knew where he was going every step of the way, and he still had to follow seams existing in the stone itself. And so I put down marks that are random and layer by layer something, I don't know anything about just now will emerge. In this way the turtle girl I'd never met before came out of the chaos.

At this point in the painting, I don't have that feeling of reckless abandon. This morning I'm asking myself what's working and what's not working. How do I keep every little stroke from becoming too precious, too thought out, too deliberate? How do I keep letting go rather than painting like someone who is fearful of losing something? Unlike the earlier stage of another painting, I can't paint "no regrets" on this one. This one's a keeper. I really love the central part of this canvas. There's the turtle walking its path in peace, sticking to it with determination and serenity. There's the busy fluttery butterfly, the end stage of a big transition that only lives for a day. And there she is, the impatient girl coming out of nowhere who is learning to fly, and at the same time loves that sure steadiness at her foundation.

I've outlined some areas in the side panels and I'm thinking those marks will disappear. I think she is being born form we don't know what, and we don't need to know. There's a trick to keeping what is working and changing the rest, but I don't know what it is. Yet.

Baruch ata adonai....how do I walk the line between letting go and having to know? Anything I need or want or hope to be is already in me right now. Help me to live with the mystery. Amen

Blooming At Last

"In a world that just keeps getting faster, increasingly more complex and loaded with never-ending expectations, I continually need to remind myself to be gentle, both with myself and with the people around me. For me, being gentle is about softening and allowing. It's about letting go of my grip on how I want things to be and allowing things to just be the way that they are. In this way, being gentle is also about acceptance." Flora Bowley

This weekend I completed a five week online class on intuitive painting with Flora Bowley. I've taken classes from Flora before both online and twice in Mexico, and this is the first time I feel as though I have overcome myself, been gentle and patient enough to soothe the inner angsty voices and paint on anyhow.

This process involves putting down layer after layer of acrylic paint until the painting works its way from a mess, from the unknown, from stuck, to something that begins to speak to me, to something that seems to want to be born on this canvas. I have no painting background and no particular skill I bring to this process except determination, except knowing I want so much to let go, and when I do, I will stand on the other side of what I know now.

Lots of potential in this one. I love the colors. It's maybe the fifth layer I've put on.

Several days later it looks like this. You can still see bits of the painting above and now it's kind of an underwater scene. I like it a lot. I fuss with it a few days, and I am stuck. I don't know where to go next. Time for radical change.

Tuesdays and Fridays Flora demonstrated the daily lesson on two paintings she began the first day. They were about as big a mess or full of possibilities, whichever you might want to call it, as the rest of us were making. We compared notes and shared our paintings and emotional journey on a private Facebook page. This day she added a flower or maybe it was a fireworks burst, and I ran with that idea. I wanted to see how she did it.

I love this painting, because it feels as finished as I can make it and because it is the first time I painted effortlessly and with abandon. Even though what you see are blooms, each of the many layers I added is still there and adds to the whole. I've named the painting Blooming at Last.  It's on my studio wall as an acknowledgement that I can let go, I can move through many layers of paint and emotional uncertainty, and I can do it while being gentle with myself.

Baruch ata adonai...I've struggled with this process for years and something in me wouldn't let go. I know this painting is the beginning of a breakthrough in all parts of me. Thank you. Amen

Help Me To Have Faith In Myself

"Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough." George Washington Carver

My takeaway from everything coming in my front door (vision books, equine therapy, painting ) teaches me to listen to my heart, to listen to my intuition, to pay exquisite attention to connections, to messiness, to loss, to the unknown. This week's online art class has to do with being brave, with the ability to reach outside of my comfort zone and stretch boldly beyond what I know of my life and my abilities.  In my life, the unknown, my husband's dementia, will continue on, and I will can either define myself as being at a personal growing edge or falling into the abyss. I'm guessing it will be a lot of each, and yet, if I use painting as a metaphor, something totally unexpected can arise if I allow it to enter, if I don't rigidify with old thoughts and old feelings about not being able to do art or life.

As a piece of art therapy, considering what I've just written, I think this painting might say that's exactly where I am. Believe me, it looks a lot better as a small copy than as a 30x30 canvas. I spent the morning working on a second canvas with a similar amount of energy and created something that intrigues my growing edge. When I came to this one, I decided I needed to be a lot calmer. I needed to create a new starting place and so I did. I felt better instantly.

Tomorrow when I paint again, I will be guided by the past which shows through and the present, a softer more open and friendly place to begin again. It takes courage to paint either way. Perhaps the first painting would resolve itself into something I would love, and yet at the pivot point, I thought it took a lot of courage to say, "No, that's not a path I want to continue on, and I can make another choice." Actually it is all part of a single painting. I could have totally painted it over using opaque paints rather than transparent ones.  Perhaps what comes of this will look a lot like the shadows seen in the background or that might look like the starting place of something entirely new. For me it is a conscious choice to be warmer, softer, more accepting and loving toward myself and my work.

"I've come to believe that standing back is far scarier than falling in. Standing back and being aware of it makes us feel stuck, makes us feel afraid, makes us feel less than. When we let ourselves fall in, we fall into our courage. We fall into our strength. We fall into our power and our worth. We fall into ourselves and our joy and meaning." Maria Shriver

Thanks this week and often to Terry Hershey whose blog, Sabbath Moment (tdh@terryhershey.com) is full of all kinds of inspiration and to Sister Barbara who pointed me in his direction.

Baruch ata adonai....I am full of gratitude for the opportunities in my life which lead me to growth and richness. In the days ahead may I be willing to reach in and out in equal amounts. If I only reach in, I will drain my well. If I only reach out, I will lose my balance. Help me to have faith in myself. Amen

What Wings Do

"When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she had always been. But she had wings!"  Dean Jackson

I'm in familiar territory. Painting and sweet talking myself. Telling myself to be calm, it's only paint. Telling myself to be brave and bold. I witness my thoughts: happy and confident and then judgmental.  It is totally ridiculous. I'm flying and then I'm crawling, then I'm flying again. It isn't a coincidence that Transform is the title of my vision book.

My goal is to change the way I approach painting, and of course, this is a metaphor for the way I sometimes approach my life, isn't it. Isn't that true for you too? Isn't whatever way you're approaching whatever you're doing a metaphor for the way you approach everything? I'm going for gentle. I'm going for stopping before I get frustrated. I'm looking to be calm and kind and nice to myself. I'm trusting my intuition to keep me safe from my inner caterpillar. There is nothing wrong with a caterpillar. In fact I am probably in the caterpillar stage of painting right now, except for when I'm a butterfly. I do love all that flying around looking beautiful. I've created an altar and also some cute little affirmation cards and each day I paint, I remember to honor my inner caterpillar and honor my inner butterfly who is learning how to spread her artist wings.

When my kids were little, we had empty acreage behind our home where milkweed mixed in with  grasses and walnut trees, squirrels, field mice, and in season, butterflies. One year we put a stick, a caterpillar and milkweed into a jar, covered it and forgot about it. When we looked much later, we found a butterfly whose wings were glued together because it wasn't allowed to fly.

Baruch ata adonai.... Help me spread my wings. Help me show up for myself. Be with me as I support the part of me doing something she isn't quite sure she will ever be able to do. Isn't that silly? I am doing it. Help me let go of expectations. Please whisper in my ear, "Have fun my dearest." Amen

Be a Warrior: Ask for What You Want and Follow Through

"There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man."
Winston Churchill

The moment I saw the light between the woman and the horse, I knew I wanted that light in my body forever. There is so much energy on this page in my vision book, and it was such a surprise to find the answer to my soul's learning on these pages.

The answer to my soul's yearning from my vision page in the August Joy Up.

My fingers began Googling, and within an hour I signed up for a course of Equine Therapy two hours from my home. One month later I was just as close to a horse as the picture above, and inside I was just like that little leaping girl. It is the best birthday present I've ever given myself. When I sent in my deposit, I had no idea what Equine Therapy was until much later when I watched a video about it and thought, "Holy Shit! That's more than I bargained for." I trust my intuition and I trusted that this would be right for me. I thought it was probably about working through fear, and it certainly was. And so much more and so right on.

The Morning of the Second Day

I just returned a day ago. I don't want to write about the course and all I learned, just know that I was a warrior! Doesn't mean I fought anything or even myself. I knew nothing about horses, had next to no experience with them, didn't want to ride them, but I knew without a doubt to be with them is my secret yearning. The first two times in the ring I had no idea what I wanted the horse to do or how to do it. The next afternoon I was in a big arena with another participant and together as a team and using only non verbal communication we moved a big white horse through a variety of barriers. As we stood together at the end of the exercise, the horse came up to us and nuzzled our joined hands. I was brave. I asked for what I wanted, and I got it. I know I will be integrating the awareness learned from being with a variety of big horses forever.

Baruch ata adonai...Thank you for always telling me to trust myself and ask for what I want. I am much bigger inside, inside my silent and centered self, than I ever experienced before. I set an intention and showed up with all I had. We were blessed with a very rainy day. Cleansing rain and new strength. Thank you. Amen

Become a Warrior for Yourself

The Spirits of Joy assignment on day nine was to dream about a relationship I seek. It's where I left off in my blog last week: Choosing Myself I Feed Myself. After a few days of writing and looking for images, I realized I am looking for a new relationship with myself. "I am the heroine of my own truth. I feel it in my body. I allow feelings and space and feel them without fear. See myself. See my feelings. I have answers for me." The page is called: I See You.

Well, I must admit I was thinking about images like balance, free, strong. What I got this weekend was the opportunity to experience feelings of rage, fear, being overwhelmed, the feeling of my blood pressure rising. And so, there it is. The answer to my wanting. I got to practice feeling. I can assure you it didn't feel like practice at the time. Yesterday I had no perspective, but thanks to these pages I can look back and say to myself, "Oh, that's how feelings feel. I love you. I was doing homework!!" I don't mean to make light of it at all. There's heavy sledding coming up in terms of things I need to do, but I didn't stuff my feelings.

So now what? If I am the heroine of my own truth, then what do I feel, what do I do? What is the feeling I'll have if I see myself and show up for myself?  What if I open my heart and accept what I see? Then what? This was the next assignment. It took days of writing and thinking. Here's one thing. I've been playing with clothes, with putting together a wardrobe that makes a joyful and playful statement. I want to dress like I'm delighted with myself. All the time. I went to a party last weekend wearing my new "this is me" costume, and the evening was quite amazing. I had a fabulous time and talked to lots of people I didn't know before, people I'll follow up on.

It's not all changing the outside, I can change my inside, I can feel the way I want to feel by  doing  things I love on a regular basis. I can sing with groups of singers, dance alone, dance my moods, my longing, dance with abandon. I can meditate and live in the present moment, and especially lifesaving: I can limit trying to solve agonizing problems having to do with my computer or the telephone company to one a day.

How do we become warriors for ourselves? How do we hear our words of yearning and longing which whisper themselves in our ears so softly we merely feel the movement of air? How do we dream beautiful dreams that lead us on in our lives giving us internal and external purpose?  Once we know those dreams, we can make them happen! This is the amazing thing. I sound like an evangelist. Once we know this, we already have everything we need to make them happen. It is a process. My process now is doing vision books. Yours will be something else. How will you become a warrior for yourself?

Baruch ata adonai...I am here. Yesterday in my anger I felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and alone and afraid. I got a strong message about being a control freak. Do you really use those words? I call it examining the future so when I'm up against a wall I have an idea of where to turn. I think I need to soften a whole lot here and be gentle with myself. This morning my son, Scott, called to see how I am. He heard me when I asked for his help and he shows up. I am so grateful. Amen



















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Choosing Myself I Feed Myself

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not here together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you." A.A. Milne

This afternoon, when I read the title and first line of a poem by Kendra Ford, I read it wrong. The title is Closing Words and the first line reads, "I feed myself." What I thought I read was, "choosing myself I feed myself." I can see how I did it: changed closing to choosing and followed with the last word of the first sentence.  I've been chewing it over ever since. I love the combination: Choosing myself, I feed myself. Say it to yourself. "Choosing myself I feed myself." Close your eyes, take a cleansing breath, and say it to yourself again. Start with a cleansing breath and repeat one more time. Oh I do love it. 

This week I've continued on with a course called Spirits of Joy. Here are the cover and first page of my vision book. 

Spirit of Joy: Here we go! Now Fly!

I find this process enormously freeing. You can do it too. Want to find out what you're longing for? First look through a bunch of magazines and clip words and pictures that stop you. There's more to it, of course, and you can figure out what works for you. It's this process that helped me learn something about myself I didn't know. I love horses. In two weeks I'm going to take a weekend Equine Therapy class, something I didn't know existed before I made a vision page on the longing of my soul. It helps to have a prompt. The prompts I worked with this week are color (which brought me to cleaning out my closet and visioning a new wardrobe,) I am..., listen, something I'd like in my home, and something I want to have happen in the next six months. 

There's a lot coming up in my life that bit by bit will change it a lot. Choosing myself, choosing to feed myself, choosing to be brave in supporting myself, choosing to be believable to myself, and knowing what I want will help me maintain health and emotional stability now and in the future. (This change has nothing to do with my physical health.)

My thoughts about "choosing myself I feed myself" come from a mailing from Terry Hershey called Sabbath Morning which you can find at www.terryhershey.com. I highly recommend you link up with him. He writes a weekly spiritual shot in the arm complete with book recommendations, poems, things to think about and You Tube clips. It's fabulous to find Paulo Coelho and Pooh in one collection of writing. I was very touched by his inclusion of a You Tube clip of Pooh and Christopher Robin talking. Go to You Tube and type in braver than you believe.

This weekend is the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of repentance. My soul searching has taken a very different course this year. The first thing I did was send a letter asking for forgiveness for a disrespectful act on my part. I learned a lot about myself doing that. Most years I go through my calendar and my writings and ponder how I missed the mark, how I was a disappointment to myself and others. Then I spend the day in temple searching for how I can do better. This year I've thought more about the ways I can support myself in the coming year, the ways I can be a light to myself, the ways I can feed myself so I can live with hope and peace and not with regret. 

Baruch ata adonai...In my lifetime my country has been involved in seven wars and is now pondering an eighth. I don't even know what to say. I've stopped and started many times. Help our leaders to be humble. Help them know stepping away from the brink leads to new ways of thinking. Help them search for peace. Help us all. Amen

A Different Kind of I'm Possible

Joy Up!! 

How could I not take an online class whose title alone seduced me. Day by day the inspirational and seductive Hannah Marcotti, took me from step to step to find my soul's longing, and amazing to me, those twelve days of Joy Up will be life changing. Last week's blog was written on day four. I began to think of joy as my soul's longing and explored ways to tap into what that might be. One of the projects was to do vision boards. The process is to get your precious head out of the equation and find pictures and words that sing to you, to your soul, which I'm only beginning to understand, to your heart, and then figure out why you've pasted them together. Perhaps you saw the article in Oprah where I found these pictures and words.

Drawing on my want list from last week's blog I wrote: "I'm Possible. I'll walk into a room knowing people love me or soon will (Byron Katie), wear lovely underpants (I bought a few), love my upper arms (I wear sleeveless shirts despite the skin drapery), love my workout and what I get from it, be beautiful and healthy. 

Next I made this vision board. The chief message for me: regret is poisonous. Here's how to ditch it.

Two days later, my vision board was titled "Ten Ways to Manifest a Different Kind of I'm Possible."

Number ten on this list: How to add more Ahhh-Ohhh to my life.

Yesterday this is what I wrote.

I want to wear a clown nose and dance and sing in my car so people think a party's going on. 

I want to live in a cozy cottage all my own that surrounds me like a sanctuary of tenderness and love. 

I want to focus on my joy until it finally seeps into my pores and out through my eyes, out through the lines in my face, until people ask me what my secret is.

Doesn't mean I've manifested this yet, but I do have a clear vision of me being like that one day soon. 

While looking for Ahhh Ohhh pictures, I found one that riveted me: a picture of a woman and a horse and a light glowing between them. I had to know more. Three hours later, I gave myself an incredible birthday present. I signed up and I felt incredible excitement. More excitement than fear. More surprise than excitement. A week after my birthday in September I'm going to do a workshop on Equine Therapy. I feel just like that little girl. This isn't a class on riding a horse. It's more like getting to a place where I can have a conversation with a horse. Google Koelle Simpson/equine therapy and imagine me there. Imagine you there too!

Only two pictures and a lot of writing. For now, this is my answer to my soul's yearning, my teacher. If you look on the bottom left, you'll see I'm also thinking I will submit a painting to the Stockton Art League's upcoming show. Amend that to I will. 

It has been an incredible twelve day journey. 

If you receive this by email, please click on the title, A Different Kind of I'm Possible, and read it again from there. I would so love for you to take a chance and begin to comment on my blog. I've figured out how to make it easier and asked a couple of frustrated readers to try it, and they've said, it's true. It's easy.  

Baruch ata adonai...I feel as though I've climbed a mountain. This ascent has been joyful. I'm pumping my fist. I look ahead at another steep incline and there I am. It's my head next to a horse's head and there is a lovely white light between us. More climbing to do. I love this. Thank you for being with me on this journey. Are you smiling? Amen

 

                                                                                             

Creating Space to Grow

Last week I weeded shelves in my studio and spent the rest of the day unsentimentally clearing the debris left on the floor into giveaway and throwaway boxes. The bones of my shelves are labeled boxes are nicely and generously organized. Anything that can't be defined so I just might have a chance of finding it again is gone. I have created space to grow. I no longer need to push away mess to begin anew. I've framed and displayed some of my little ladies, and I'm ready to head in a new direction art wise.

I learn in my studio that overgrowth scares me. Being lost scares me, and simplifying and letting go help deal with those fears. It's a tidy process. I just ended the previous sentence by saying, "...but it's not so much like life." Then I began to wonder if it could hold the key to what's on my mind now. Can beliefs be so readily categorized and dealt with?

As I set my intention for the coming week, I acknowledge in my out of studio life, I am a bit lost, but a lot found. Just because I'm scared, doesn't mean I have to duck and cover. It doesn't mean I'm back at the beginning again. It doesn't mean anything but what I attach to it. You may not know what I'm talking about, but you can look inside and check out where in your life you are a bit lost and a lot found. That's just where I am. Old beliefs are seductive, but they aren't working. I am at a junction. I'm letting go of expectations for myself and am letting go of expecting others to change or not change, and for today, around this one issue that's thrown me, I'm going to try something just to get me going. I'm creating a bag for old beliefs I want to get rid of and one for beliefs worth saving.

I take a deep breath. There is work to do today. I take a deep breath. This is where I am at the present moment. I need to make space in my body now. I need to box up and let go what doesn't serve now. I need to re-pattern myself. I need to return to my heart center and give my brain a break.

Baruch ata adonai...everything I'm doing supports and opens me to trust myself. May I be patient and generous with myself and others as I clear and allow myself space to grow. Amen

What Is Your Story?

"If you understand the strands of your creative DNA, you begin to see how they mutate into common threads in your work. You begin to see the 'story' that you're trying to tell; why you do the things you do (both positive and self-destructive); where you are strong and where you are weak...and how you see the world and function in it."

Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit Learn It and Use It For Life.

For a month last year, Twyla Tharp, a most outstanding choreographer and dancer was my mentor. Early on, her thirty-three questions helped me look at my creative autobiography. Recently  Richie Norton in his book The Power of Starting Something Stupid mentored me through developing my Be Bold Collection of cards and bookmarks. With such wonderful mentors, how could I have been caught off guard when Kay, the owner of the charming French at Heart boutique, asked me what my story is? She bought twelve cards to sell and said her customers want to know the story behind the items they purchase. She means she wants to know my story as an artist, and if you've been following me for any time at all, you know connecting my story to the word artist has been a journey. 

As I went through Twyla's questionnaire, I learned my DNA has to do with the particulars of swirling colorful and fleeting moments bumping into each other to reveal universal concerns about being social, active, and curious. I've made cards for friends over the past few years and the common response is, "Your cards make me happy." As I went through Richie's book, I began to break the process down and I am learning to trust myself. I can't begin to explain why it is all working, and for now, I'm not asking any questions. I think this is my story. 

Two years ago at the beginning of a painting class I created this affirmation. Today I own it. 

The past month has been quite a ride! By the end of June, I will have sold about a hundred cards to galleries, a museum store, and boutiques. Last week I spent three days in near isolation making forty more cards, thanks to the help of a friend who volunteered to help with the assembly process and also developed a new line of cards and bookmarks thanks to the encouragement of a friend who liked the one I posted a few blogs ago. Our Lady of Fatal Assumptions and Our Lady of Possibilities are two entirely new Be Bold Girls who have come to life. So much fun! So much work! So much satisfaction! 

For the time being, I'm not opening an Etsy shop. If you are interested in seeing or buying my cards or bookmarks, please send me your email address or your web or blog address so I can get in touch with you. My email address is babschwartz68@gmail.com.

Baruch ata adonai...Help me to remain honest with myself and what I can do and can't do. Help me keep to a pace that is healthy for me. I want to keep my artist side a part of my life not let it become my life. Where I am right now is the answer to a prayer. Thank you. Don't let me become grandiose. Remind me small steps keep moving me forward. Remind me the words artist and play and fun go hand in hand together. Thank you for bringing me to this time in my life. Amen

The Power of Small Steps

"To recast larger problems into smaller, less arousing problems, people can identify a series of controllable opportunities of modest size that produce visible results." Karl Weick, psychologist who coined the term "small wins."

Last evening I began reading "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" to my seven year old granddaughter on Skype. Ninety miles away she curled up in a chair eating a piece of watermelon, as I delighted in beginning Lewis Carroll's wonderful story after a very long absence. The first chapter finds Alice drinking something she supposed wasn't poison, but could have been, and observes herself getting smaller and smaller and then, seeing a beautiful little cake with EAT ME marked in currants, she does so. "Curiouser and curiouser," she says, now I'm opening out like the largest telescope that ever was!"

Six weeks ago, part way into The Power of Starting Something Stupid by Richie Norton, I decided I wanted to sell the cards I'm making, and I called the manager of our local museum to ask if she would  look at them. First small step. (Six have sold so far.) Then I was asked if I wanted to show my cards at a local food festival. OK, I don't know about showing cards in that way, but I could learn. And Yes, I could sit with them and encourage people to take a look and I could forget about pride and suggest they buy some. Yesterday I sold thirty cards. Along the way I was told about a local company that prints cards for the museum. I'm not in Wonderland. Real Land is quite amazing in itself! If I thought I needed  to chart this out before I started, I might have been overwhelmed, but I do have the ability to go from one small step to the next. Today I'll go to the printer because crafting the cards by hand is stopping me from getting back to the art side of creating that I love: drawing and painting.

People have told me how happy the cards make them feel, and that support carries me on. Each step requires many many small learnings. I can learn each step, but if I begin to look too far ahead, I feel as though I could fall over backwards. Unlike Alice, I'm not getting taller. As I stay within myself, I feel like I'm expanding. It's fun. This week, I'll contact several more galleries and see what happens next.

Baruch ata adonai...I asked for help to stay out of fear. Thank you. As I stay within the reality of taking small steps and away from grandiose thinking or looking too far down the road, I am forward. WOW. Amen

Only Fear Can Stop Us

"It's not the circumstances that we should feel threatened by, it's the fear of the circumstances that poses the real threat." Richie Norton The Power of Starting Something Stupid

As far as I know, I've only sold a few of the cards I've created. People tell me they make them happy, and if there is one thing we need today, it is happy. So what if, my friends ask me, these cards take off; could you continue to make each one by hand? What makes me very happy now would turn into a total burn out in no time. At this point in my life, I think the thing I would regret the most would be not following through on printing the cards I'm developing.

What started out as doodles has morphed into little jewels of cards I send out to friends, and quite suddenly I've given these cards a name, The Be Bold Collection, and a life of their own. Glorietta, who only recently told me her given name is Tiffany, stands with her huge hair afrizz, layers of beads draping neck to boobs, fists screwed into her hips and demands to know what I'm waiting for. You should see what she's wearing! She is one blatantly courageous woman showing her hot chick side who asks me what if questions. So what if you don't know anything about publishing? So what if no one knows about them but you? OK. You've got me there. I want more people to be able to enjoy them. I want more people to smile and feel a boldness growing inside them, too.

Last year I gathered together a hundred cards I've kept in various places, punched two holes in them, and created three volumes of cards: family, friends, and the ever popular miscellaneous. Some of these cards turned up in file folders I'd labeled "Sunshine." In needy moments, I'd pull them out, read the messages, and these cards helped me realize I hadn't always felt under appreciated or alone or depressed or whatever. Over the years these cards helped bootstrap me to a new day. This morning I've been mining them again. This time I'm looking at the back of the cards. Are there publishers I can contact? Do I need an isbn number? How could people contact me if they want more? Do I need to copyright them? So much I don't know. I know I can't do it alone.

So, my blogland friends, I'm asking for help. You may only know a piece of the puzzle yourself, or you may know someone who knows someone. I'd love your help and suggestions.

Baruch ata adonai...I'm beginning the first step great journey and I need help. I need to keep believing in the message of my cards, especially when I start to feel this is a crazy idea. I know if I break my journey down into small steps I can do it. Please help me to keep fear from stopping me. Amen

So What Do We Need To Do?

"So what do we do? Anything. Something. So long as we just don't sit there. If we screw it up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we've satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late."Lee Iacocca

Until I started reading "The Power of starting Something Stupid," by Richie Norton I'd been thinking about making greeting cards for a long time. Along the way I accumulated skills to do that. I've made lots of prototypes and now I have another set. This time I've made 100 cards--four different formats.

Here is one of the first cards I made early on. She is brave and tentative, and despite what she feels and how she looks, and despite the fact that she's standing in thin air, she is in balance and very cute.

As I've been reading "The Power of Starting Something Stupid," I find my work is less tentative. More sure. More vibrant. As I'm reading stores about people who had an idea and ran and stumbled with it until it became a household word, I'm making more and more cards more and more easily. Never thought I'd quote Lee Iacocca and know what he says is just what I need to hear. 

This painting went on to become something else, a lesson in leaving well enough alone. It doesn't exist anymore, but I loved what I did with it. Two years ago I joined a painting group in Mexico and needed to talk to myself a lot. "Dare to fear. Accept what is. Play." In its finished state it said "Fall A lot. Play." I like that. The subtitle of the book I'm reading is "How to crush fear, make dreams happen, and live without regret."  

I wanted to show you where I am now, but something interesting has happened. I've taken pictures of my current cards twice and when I try to move them here, they are no where to be found. I think I should go eat breakfast. Nevertheless, today, now that doesn't necessarily mean today as in this week or this month or this period of time, but rather today, as in this very morning, this very day, I feel I have a product to show, and I have local places I can talk to about showing them. Along the way, I'll know I need to do next. And do it.

Baruch ata adonai...I love the sense of energy and purpose I have this morning. May I always remember I have a well inside me to call upon when I'm standing in mid air and my balance seems tipped toward uncertainty. Today, this very day, I will take steps to make me even more believable to myself. Amen

Time to Challenge Your Assumptions?

This morning I reached for one of the many books above my desk, opened it at random, and trusted the first thing I read would be something I need to learn today. Today's book, one I really love, is The Creative Habit: Learn It And Use It For Life by dancer Twyla Tharp. Here's what stopped me. "Even though the evidence is staring you in the face, you don't always read the evidence correctly or even bother to think about it. If you're in a creative rut, the easiest way to challenge assumptions is to switch things around them and make the switch work." Bingo.

I think I might be in a "comfortable life rut," and for much of my life, this would be a problem I would have loved to have!  I know this is a rut you wouldn't mind being in. It's an upper end problem, yet I have only this one life, and I'm healthy, and my children are healthy and leading their own lives, and it seems to me it's as important for me to be creative about how I lead my life as being creative in the field of art.

Here's her process.
1. Identify the concept that isn't working. (If I have plenty of time to do art, I will do art.)
2. Write down your assumptions about it. (Too much pressure. I'm avoiding doing art. Maybe I need....) I'm working on this step, and  I'm beating back the gremlins who have so many unhelpful things to tell me.
3. Challenge the assumptions.
4. Act on the challenge. Haven't gotten here yet, but you might be able to work faster than I can.

My take away lesson from what happened in Boston this week is to look at my life as a marathon. Each day is a training session in living meaningfully and fully. If I'm slowing my pace because I'm meandering and off course, I need to step up and challenge my assumptions. I'll be thinking about this all day.

Baruch ata adonai...I must learn from what others experienced this week. Help me to stay with and within myself. Help me to challenge my assumptions on how I'm suppose to run and how I'm suppose to look and be. Thank you for being with me. Amen

Another Darn Patience Lesson

When we moved in, my garden looked nothing like this. Years and years ago it contained one of every imaginable plant and tree. Five years later we removed the trees that ran down the middle of the lawn, a play set was erected for the boys, a boat full of sand was put in, forts were built, dogs dug, vegetables grew. Just before we got rid of the play set, the swings were taken down and it was covered with flowing white paper and flowers, and it became the stage for a wedding. After the kids moved out, I created my idea of an English garden with masses of day lilies, perennials, annuals, color every season. Whoosh. Years in a paragraph.

My beautiful garden became my refuge from the world, and I loved keeping it looking like something out of House Beautiful magazine. Years passed. A knee replacement. A cranky body. Annuals were replaced with bushes with interesting colors and structure. No more kneeling to cultivate and deadhead. And so it goes.

This isn't the blog I intended to write about my garden. Some of the pictures would't print or didn't allow me to continue to write after printing. I'm learning how to do this and trying really really really hard to be patient with myself. Gardens teach us about patience, don't they. And about life and death. And about the need to pay attention. One year I missed the wisteria growing down through the slatted roof of this garden room, a room with windows and walls you can walk through, because I didn't look at the right time.

Baruch ata adonai...this isn't the blog I intended to write. Today I need to be satisfied with who I am rather than who I want to be or who I very well might be tomorrow. There was a time a didn't know how to put in even one picture. Today I put in two.  If I wait to become perfect before I show my beautiful blooms, chances are I won't bloom at all. Thank you for helping me to be brave. Amen