The Good Girl/Good Woman Continuum

There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good, she was very very good,
and when she was bad, she was horrid. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I love Monday morning. It's the day I get do write my blog for my heart and start a new Life Book 2014 project for my creative part which I can hardly wait to start. Monday is the day I set aside for myself. Just minutes ago I did a brief meditation and my good girl was in a big snit about needing to go to yoga and she was trying to shame the rest of me. You should go, she said, you've got to go, she added, how can you do the rest of what you want to do if you fail to take care of your body? She has no middle ground. She can make life so unpleasant for me. I'm not sure it's a place of good intentions she's speaking from. She reminds me of a teeny tiny mother, a little girl who doesn't know how to mother at all, but who has all the words and the idea that she knows perfectly well what's right and wrong and what I should should should do. She can be one bitchy piece of certitude.

While I was doing the meditation, my little lady above, the one with the little curl right in the middle of her forehead, tapped me on my shoulder and whispered in my ear. Though she is very strong in her sense of joy and delight in life, she's a bit afraid of the good girl. I never doubt her intentions for me are right on. Not like that good girl who is so prissy. She told me I can really go to yoga on  Wednesday, which I always do, and on Thursday which I never do. And, she said, she's sure I would love one of the Thursday morning classes. So I sit here in my bathrobe smiling. I may stay in my bathrobe for a good long time this morning, right up until the time I get into my paint clothes. I may not even wash my face or brush my teeth. I am feeling so good. My good girl is in retreat.

I've been drawing little ladies for a long time. I've always thought they represent the best part of me. They are joyful, fun and undemanding. They just have a good time. After watching the delight of my four year old granddaughter as she celebrated her birthday this weekend, I think my little ladies are four at heart.

So here I am. Not going to yoga. Getting to do art. And write. And read the newspaper. And feel very very good about myself. I'm not punishing myself by making myself do something I don't want to do this morning and I've found a way to take care of my body on Thursday. That little lady is a very good woman!

I've been thinking and talking a lot the past week about the good girl/good woman continuum. The good girl is drilled into us from the earliest times. With nursery rhymes even. I remember there was a little girl who had a little curl being said to me when I was very young and knowing with all of my little girl heart they only said it when I was being a bad girl in their eyes. The little girl doesn't have it all wrong, though her delivery stinks. Every good woman knows the good girl still lives in side her, only now, she lets her know she can't be in charge unless she's inclined to be a fun loving joyful even devilish little lady.

Baruch ata adonai.... this morning, I am a good woman, a woman who knows what's really important for me this day, a woman who helps me make a way to do what I need to do to feel good and strong and able to lift my heart and to feel and hear the goodness of this day becoming known to me.  Amen

Living with Diminshed Urgency

Only a few things in life really matter, and those few things that do matter, matter immeasurably. Kent Kilbourne

"I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise."
Dawna Markova

Most of last week I spent doing stuff that was important at the moment but not what recharges and refreshes me.  For a few days I was on a tight time table to get things done and there was a price I didn't count on paying. My five minute first-thing-in-the morning writings were superficial and unsatisfying. There was no time to write my blog which often helps me know who I am that day. My sleep was worse than usual, there was no time to do art and these are the things that matter immeasurably to me.  At this point in my life, I've completed most of my life tasks and now I live in a way I haven't before: meandering rather than being purpose driven. I can't go back. Through writing and playing with colors and media I've learned to open myself to myself. I am continually grateful I have the luxury of diminished urgency.

Finally on Friday, I did something that really mattered. I got to be Nana. I picked up Charlie after school and  and we went to the arcade, to the bookstore, to the yogurt shop, found a small outpost of San Francisco's Exploratorium where we explored magnets and iron filings and how each ear functions separately from the other depending on the input. He's close to seven and holding hands when we cross the street isn't what he wants to do, so we held fingers. Each time we crossed we figured out how to make different fingers hold on to each other. The next day I watched my almost nine year old granddaughter become a fearless soccer goalie and immersed myself in appreciation of my other granddaughter as she navigated playground equipment both fearlessly and with an awareness of what is safe for her four year old self to do and what isn't.

Today I when I woke up I wrote and painted and went for a walk with a friend. I enjoyed some homemade soup for lunch. I took a shower around noon and went out to do some errands. Today I put a spell on myself and did only things that satisfy and refresh me. If you could see me now, you would see me pounding my chest and dancing up and down. Well, not actually. I'd like to see myself doing that too.

I think these pictures I completed yesterday afternoon reflect a letting go of too much busyness.

Baruch ata adonai....Help me to remember what is important to me and what isn't. Help me to tell myself and others I can't do some things even if I want to because it isn't good for me. May I have the courage to be attentive to the steps I take. Amen

Hope and Capability

Today I honor fusion and confusion
beginning again
trusting what has passed.

Today I honor hope and capability,
embrace forward movement.
I'm only on the five thousandth try
with five more to go.

Today I honor brokenness 
and tolerance of change
as just another
life variation
not a road block
not a rude heave ho
off the path.

Today I honor wearing myself out
before I remember to stay
in the here and now.
I balance hope and
my current capabilities,
my life in this
present moment. 

I am a month and six days into my morning five minute writing challenge. Now I'm not skipping any days because I forget to write. Now I feel incomplete if I don't sit down first thing in the morning and begin the day with finding out who I am before the day shaped by the calendar or art challenges convinces me I'm someone else. I've been writing for years. I've done this before. I hope I don't stop this time.

Do you know "The Humans of New York" blog? Brandon Stanton spoke in my home town last week and reminded me yet again that it takes a lot of work to be as good as your ambitions. And he's only 30. And darling. And his book is a best seller. And he's been at it for four years. And in those four years he went from not owning a camera to taking pictures every waking moment to the point he has taken hundreds of thousands photos and humbled himself and worked along until he honed his craft to wonderful captures of life. 

Baruch ata adonai...I am aware I am not hard on myself now as I paint or draw or challenge myself to use new art materials. Sometimes my work disappoints me, but I'm aware that I've done the best I can do at the time, and that everyone goes through this crablike progression of moving onward while seeming to stagger backwards and lurch sideways as long as they continue taking one step after another. I do not doubt the rest of me is watching my progress to see if I can make it work in other parts of my life. Thank you for being with me on this journey. Amen

Create Your Best Days

"The universe supplies exactly and absolutely what you perceive your reality to be, that is to say, what you believe in." The Art of Manifestation

Each time I stand in front of a work of art that resonates with me, each time I look at a tree tricked out in spring bloom, each time I meet with a friend and feel a spark of recognition fill the hidden spaces between us, I am changed and enriched in a way that fills me with joy. As Gary Zukov said, "Every intention sets energy in motion whether you are conscious of it or not," so why not set that energy in motion on purpose.

Recently I have been thinking of things I'd like to manifest in my life, simple things  I can recognize when they happen.  The first day I set the intention of manifesting lots of contact with friends, and that came to pass the next day: two emails from people I haven't connected with in a long time, phone calls and an invitation to lunch. I felt embraced with love. The next day I paid it forward and called my friend, the Glorious Grandma Glad for her 94th birthday and emailed a few people I was thinking about.

Yesterday I searched for a lost library book, due today, one I hadn't even gotten around to reading. I began systematically cleaning up one room after another: the bedroom, my studio, the kitchen, my office. Everything looked immaculate, but I still hadn't found that book. I emailed a friend and asked her to manifest me finding it because she's good at that sort of thing, and then I thought I would test this whole manifestation idea and see what would happen. I set the intention of finding it easily and not worrying about it if I didn't. Shortly after, I walked into my office, put my hand on the books above my desk and fingered each one. There it was, and then I remembered putting away a stack of books a couple of days before and jamming them in empty spaces.

I don't believe this happens with furrowed brow, a grim determination to wish something into existence, and preparing yourself for failure.  I think it happens when we hold our intention lightly like listening for the sounds of birds and then continue on our way. What I've found since I've been doing this is that everything seems like a gift.

Baruch ata adonai...thank you for the richness of my days, the opportunity to create art and the balm of friendship. Amen

The Little Book of Little Ladies

Today I gave my Little Ladies' their very own book. They're so very happy, and they wonder what the heck is going on with me. They don't know that after taking care of them, I spent gnarly time paying bills. What would they know about bills?  And they don't care that I'm finding that tremendously anxiety producing. Or that I really want this blog to be about exploring gratitude which I'm apparently not feeling too much of right now. They say today it's all about them.

The sweet thing about the Little Ladies is that they are always smiling, probably because they never have to pay bills, or feel guilty, or parse the meaning of gratitude.

 

Here are their aunts who are twenty years old now and off on their own very dramatic adventures. I want to be going where the one on the right is going, but I'll probably go walk my dog.

Inside their sunny exteriors, they're not quite sure what they should wear, but they know they would probably feel braver and happier in their tutus and boas or on rare occasions their hula skirts.

They have the most amazing ability to spin off into ecstasy with the least provocation,

and have delightful encounters, like when they get to go fishing or skating.

There's more, but they're feeling shy and mumbling about nap time.

I do have some thoughts about gratitude and hope they'll organize themselves for a proper prayer blog tomorrow. Meanwhile the Little Ladies are giggling about their first venture on the wordless pages.

Creative Every Day November 11

"No positive change can occur in my life as long as I cling to the thought that the reason for my not living well lies outside myself." Terry Hershey

To warm up this morning, I continued on with a new canvas by painting cool colors over warm. The random marks don't bother me. It's suppose to be this way. Out of randomness comes the picture that wants to be born like Michelangelo sculptures emerging from stone. He probably knew where he was going every step of the way, and he still had to follow seams existing in the stone itself. And so I put down marks that are random and layer by layer something, I don't know anything about just now will emerge. In this way the turtle girl I'd never met before came out of the chaos.

At this point in the painting, I don't have that feeling of reckless abandon. This morning I'm asking myself what's working and what's not working. How do I keep every little stroke from becoming too precious, too thought out, too deliberate? How do I keep letting go rather than painting like someone who is fearful of losing something? Unlike the earlier stage of another painting, I can't paint "no regrets" on this one. This one's a keeper. I really love the central part of this canvas. There's the turtle walking its path in peace, sticking to it with determination and serenity. There's the busy fluttery butterfly, the end stage of a big transition that only lives for a day. And there she is, the impatient girl coming out of nowhere who is learning to fly, and at the same time loves that sure steadiness at her foundation.

I've outlined some areas in the side panels and I'm thinking those marks will disappear. I think she is being born form we don't know what, and we don't need to know. There's a trick to keeping what is working and changing the rest, but I don't know what it is. Yet.

Baruch ata adonai....how do I walk the line between letting go and having to know? Anything I need or want or hope to be is already in me right now. Help me to live with the mystery. Amen

Blooming At Last

"In a world that just keeps getting faster, increasingly more complex and loaded with never-ending expectations, I continually need to remind myself to be gentle, both with myself and with the people around me. For me, being gentle is about softening and allowing. It's about letting go of my grip on how I want things to be and allowing things to just be the way that they are. In this way, being gentle is also about acceptance." Flora Bowley

This weekend I completed a five week online class on intuitive painting with Flora Bowley. I've taken classes from Flora before both online and twice in Mexico, and this is the first time I feel as though I have overcome myself, been gentle and patient enough to soothe the inner angsty voices and paint on anyhow.

This process involves putting down layer after layer of acrylic paint until the painting works its way from a mess, from the unknown, from stuck, to something that begins to speak to me, to something that seems to want to be born on this canvas. I have no painting background and no particular skill I bring to this process except determination, except knowing I want so much to let go, and when I do, I will stand on the other side of what I know now.

Lots of potential in this one. I love the colors. It's maybe the fifth layer I've put on.

Several days later it looks like this. You can still see bits of the painting above and now it's kind of an underwater scene. I like it a lot. I fuss with it a few days, and I am stuck. I don't know where to go next. Time for radical change.

Tuesdays and Fridays Flora demonstrated the daily lesson on two paintings she began the first day. They were about as big a mess or full of possibilities, whichever you might want to call it, as the rest of us were making. We compared notes and shared our paintings and emotional journey on a private Facebook page. This day she added a flower or maybe it was a fireworks burst, and I ran with that idea. I wanted to see how she did it.

I love this painting, because it feels as finished as I can make it and because it is the first time I painted effortlessly and with abandon. Even though what you see are blooms, each of the many layers I added is still there and adds to the whole. I've named the painting Blooming at Last.  It's on my studio wall as an acknowledgement that I can let go, I can move through many layers of paint and emotional uncertainty, and I can do it while being gentle with myself.

Baruch ata adonai...I've struggled with this process for years and something in me wouldn't let go. I know this painting is the beginning of a breakthrough in all parts of me. Thank you. Amen

Help Me To Have Faith In Myself

"Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough." George Washington Carver

My takeaway from everything coming in my front door (vision books, equine therapy, painting ) teaches me to listen to my heart, to listen to my intuition, to pay exquisite attention to connections, to messiness, to loss, to the unknown. This week's online art class has to do with being brave, with the ability to reach outside of my comfort zone and stretch boldly beyond what I know of my life and my abilities.  In my life, the unknown, my husband's dementia, will continue on, and I will can either define myself as being at a personal growing edge or falling into the abyss. I'm guessing it will be a lot of each, and yet, if I use painting as a metaphor, something totally unexpected can arise if I allow it to enter, if I don't rigidify with old thoughts and old feelings about not being able to do art or life.

As a piece of art therapy, considering what I've just written, I think this painting might say that's exactly where I am. Believe me, it looks a lot better as a small copy than as a 30x30 canvas. I spent the morning working on a second canvas with a similar amount of energy and created something that intrigues my growing edge. When I came to this one, I decided I needed to be a lot calmer. I needed to create a new starting place and so I did. I felt better instantly.

Tomorrow when I paint again, I will be guided by the past which shows through and the present, a softer more open and friendly place to begin again. It takes courage to paint either way. Perhaps the first painting would resolve itself into something I would love, and yet at the pivot point, I thought it took a lot of courage to say, "No, that's not a path I want to continue on, and I can make another choice." Actually it is all part of a single painting. I could have totally painted it over using opaque paints rather than transparent ones.  Perhaps what comes of this will look a lot like the shadows seen in the background or that might look like the starting place of something entirely new. For me it is a conscious choice to be warmer, softer, more accepting and loving toward myself and my work.

"I've come to believe that standing back is far scarier than falling in. Standing back and being aware of it makes us feel stuck, makes us feel afraid, makes us feel less than. When we let ourselves fall in, we fall into our courage. We fall into our strength. We fall into our power and our worth. We fall into ourselves and our joy and meaning." Maria Shriver

Thanks this week and often to Terry Hershey whose blog, Sabbath Moment (tdh@terryhershey.com) is full of all kinds of inspiration and to Sister Barbara who pointed me in his direction.

Baruch ata adonai....I am full of gratitude for the opportunities in my life which lead me to growth and richness. In the days ahead may I be willing to reach in and out in equal amounts. If I only reach in, I will drain my well. If I only reach out, I will lose my balance. Help me to have faith in myself. Amen

On Your Mark, Get Set, Let Go

"There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be." Rev. Safier Rose

I awoke from a long dream and knew it was an important one. There were the usual suspects: people I haven't seen for years, in places I'm not quite sure exist, vaguely connected to things I've recently encountered. Toward the end I'm sitting on the ground Indian style (which I can't do anymore), writing important sayings on a block of plastic wrapped Monterey Jack cheese which is supported by a stack of my green childhood encyclopedias, which in real life I just gave away and haven't looked at in years. The dream occurred at the end of a week when all the steps I wrote about a couple of  weeks ago were finished, and I felt there was nothing more I could do to help myself prepare for the future.

As soon as I woke up and wrote the dream down, I realized it had a important piece of information for me. Cheese melts. Reference books are not only out of date, but also unread, and no matter how much I prepare for the changes ahead, life is going to happen in unpredictable ways. Relax. There is nothing I can control. At that moment, I let go.

And remember my experience at Equine Therapy less than a month ago? Until I let go of my self talk, my self defeating self talk, until I emptied myself of all thought and just stood quietly and at peace with no expectations, only then would the horse know I was safe and it was safe with me. Only then could we join together and play together.

Today is the beginning of the third week of an online art class that involves, guess what, letting go. What you see is the third step. The first two layers are applications of warm colors and cool colors. The class is about painting intuitively. I see some good stuff here, and I know my head and my heart are loving this journey. Great music is on and am having fun. Nothing in mind. No expectations. Then we're on to adding black and white.

Oh dear. Getting a bit chaotic and yet there are elements here I hope I can come back to. I know they're going to disappear with the next layers, but there are parts I love, and before it becomes too precious, too hard to let go, I add more elements so I can move on. Then we add three translucent colors.

This is what letting go looks like. I know it is just where it's suppose to be, and yet, where are the parts I loved so much? We've been told not to worry about pretty or making it look like anything in particular. I've taken this class three times, and I've never gotten this far, never been able to look at it and not see chaos and be scared and intimidated. I can hardly wait to see what we're going to be asked to do next.

In order to let go, I've got to go against my nature. I've got to let go of being in control, of needing to have a plan, of knowing where things are going. In paintings and dreams and in life, things change quickly. What I'm changing is only paint on canvas, and I do know it's much more than that. The other side of being in control is everything else that is possible.

"There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be." Rev. Safire Rose

Baruch ata adonai...what a journey. I'm loving all these lessons one after the other. Thank you. Thank you. Amen

What Wings Do

"When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she had always been. But she had wings!"  Dean Jackson

I'm in familiar territory. Painting and sweet talking myself. Telling myself to be calm, it's only paint. Telling myself to be brave and bold. I witness my thoughts: happy and confident and then judgmental.  It is totally ridiculous. I'm flying and then I'm crawling, then I'm flying again. It isn't a coincidence that Transform is the title of my vision book.

My goal is to change the way I approach painting, and of course, this is a metaphor for the way I sometimes approach my life, isn't it. Isn't that true for you too? Isn't whatever way you're approaching whatever you're doing a metaphor for the way you approach everything? I'm going for gentle. I'm going for stopping before I get frustrated. I'm looking to be calm and kind and nice to myself. I'm trusting my intuition to keep me safe from my inner caterpillar. There is nothing wrong with a caterpillar. In fact I am probably in the caterpillar stage of painting right now, except for when I'm a butterfly. I do love all that flying around looking beautiful. I've created an altar and also some cute little affirmation cards and each day I paint, I remember to honor my inner caterpillar and honor my inner butterfly who is learning how to spread her artist wings.

When my kids were little, we had empty acreage behind our home where milkweed mixed in with  grasses and walnut trees, squirrels, field mice, and in season, butterflies. One year we put a stick, a caterpillar and milkweed into a jar, covered it and forgot about it. When we looked much later, we found a butterfly whose wings were glued together because it wasn't allowed to fly.

Baruch ata adonai.... Help me spread my wings. Help me show up for myself. Be with me as I support the part of me doing something she isn't quite sure she will ever be able to do. Isn't that silly? I am doing it. Help me let go of expectations. Please whisper in my ear, "Have fun my dearest." Amen

Be a Warrior: Ask for What You Want and Follow Through

"There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man."
Winston Churchill

The moment I saw the light between the woman and the horse, I knew I wanted that light in my body forever. There is so much energy on this page in my vision book, and it was such a surprise to find the answer to my soul's learning on these pages.

The answer to my soul's yearning from my vision page in the August Joy Up.

My fingers began Googling, and within an hour I signed up for a course of Equine Therapy two hours from my home. One month later I was just as close to a horse as the picture above, and inside I was just like that little leaping girl. It is the best birthday present I've ever given myself. When I sent in my deposit, I had no idea what Equine Therapy was until much later when I watched a video about it and thought, "Holy Shit! That's more than I bargained for." I trust my intuition and I trusted that this would be right for me. I thought it was probably about working through fear, and it certainly was. And so much more and so right on.

The Morning of the Second Day

I just returned a day ago. I don't want to write about the course and all I learned, just know that I was a warrior! Doesn't mean I fought anything or even myself. I knew nothing about horses, had next to no experience with them, didn't want to ride them, but I knew without a doubt to be with them is my secret yearning. The first two times in the ring I had no idea what I wanted the horse to do or how to do it. The next afternoon I was in a big arena with another participant and together as a team and using only non verbal communication we moved a big white horse through a variety of barriers. As we stood together at the end of the exercise, the horse came up to us and nuzzled our joined hands. I was brave. I asked for what I wanted, and I got it. I know I will be integrating the awareness learned from being with a variety of big horses forever.

Baruch ata adonai...Thank you for always telling me to trust myself and ask for what I want. I am much bigger inside, inside my silent and centered self, than I ever experienced before. I set an intention and showed up with all I had. We were blessed with a very rainy day. Cleansing rain and new strength. Thank you. Amen

Choosing Myself I Feed Myself

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not here together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you." A.A. Milne

This afternoon, when I read the title and first line of a poem by Kendra Ford, I read it wrong. The title is Closing Words and the first line reads, "I feed myself." What I thought I read was, "choosing myself I feed myself." I can see how I did it: changed closing to choosing and followed with the last word of the first sentence.  I've been chewing it over ever since. I love the combination: Choosing myself, I feed myself. Say it to yourself. "Choosing myself I feed myself." Close your eyes, take a cleansing breath, and say it to yourself again. Start with a cleansing breath and repeat one more time. Oh I do love it. 

This week I've continued on with a course called Spirits of Joy. Here are the cover and first page of my vision book. 

Spirit of Joy: Here we go! Now Fly!

I find this process enormously freeing. You can do it too. Want to find out what you're longing for? First look through a bunch of magazines and clip words and pictures that stop you. There's more to it, of course, and you can figure out what works for you. It's this process that helped me learn something about myself I didn't know. I love horses. In two weeks I'm going to take a weekend Equine Therapy class, something I didn't know existed before I made a vision page on the longing of my soul. It helps to have a prompt. The prompts I worked with this week are color (which brought me to cleaning out my closet and visioning a new wardrobe,) I am..., listen, something I'd like in my home, and something I want to have happen in the next six months. 

There's a lot coming up in my life that bit by bit will change it a lot. Choosing myself, choosing to feed myself, choosing to be brave in supporting myself, choosing to be believable to myself, and knowing what I want will help me maintain health and emotional stability now and in the future. (This change has nothing to do with my physical health.)

My thoughts about "choosing myself I feed myself" come from a mailing from Terry Hershey called Sabbath Morning which you can find at www.terryhershey.com. I highly recommend you link up with him. He writes a weekly spiritual shot in the arm complete with book recommendations, poems, things to think about and You Tube clips. It's fabulous to find Paulo Coelho and Pooh in one collection of writing. I was very touched by his inclusion of a You Tube clip of Pooh and Christopher Robin talking. Go to You Tube and type in braver than you believe.

This weekend is the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of repentance. My soul searching has taken a very different course this year. The first thing I did was send a letter asking for forgiveness for a disrespectful act on my part. I learned a lot about myself doing that. Most years I go through my calendar and my writings and ponder how I missed the mark, how I was a disappointment to myself and others. Then I spend the day in temple searching for how I can do better. This year I've thought more about the ways I can support myself in the coming year, the ways I can be a light to myself, the ways I can feed myself so I can live with hope and peace and not with regret. 

Baruch ata adonai...In my lifetime my country has been involved in seven wars and is now pondering an eighth. I don't even know what to say. I've stopped and started many times. Help our leaders to be humble. Help them know stepping away from the brink leads to new ways of thinking. Help them search for peace. Help us all. Amen

What Is Your Story?

"If you understand the strands of your creative DNA, you begin to see how they mutate into common threads in your work. You begin to see the 'story' that you're trying to tell; why you do the things you do (both positive and self-destructive); where you are strong and where you are weak...and how you see the world and function in it."

Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit Learn It and Use It For Life.

For a month last year, Twyla Tharp, a most outstanding choreographer and dancer was my mentor. Early on, her thirty-three questions helped me look at my creative autobiography. Recently  Richie Norton in his book The Power of Starting Something Stupid mentored me through developing my Be Bold Collection of cards and bookmarks. With such wonderful mentors, how could I have been caught off guard when Kay, the owner of the charming French at Heart boutique, asked me what my story is? She bought twelve cards to sell and said her customers want to know the story behind the items they purchase. She means she wants to know my story as an artist, and if you've been following me for any time at all, you know connecting my story to the word artist has been a journey. 

As I went through Twyla's questionnaire, I learned my DNA has to do with the particulars of swirling colorful and fleeting moments bumping into each other to reveal universal concerns about being social, active, and curious. I've made cards for friends over the past few years and the common response is, "Your cards make me happy." As I went through Richie's book, I began to break the process down and I am learning to trust myself. I can't begin to explain why it is all working, and for now, I'm not asking any questions. I think this is my story. 

Two years ago at the beginning of a painting class I created this affirmation. Today I own it. 

The past month has been quite a ride! By the end of June, I will have sold about a hundred cards to galleries, a museum store, and boutiques. Last week I spent three days in near isolation making forty more cards, thanks to the help of a friend who volunteered to help with the assembly process and also developed a new line of cards and bookmarks thanks to the encouragement of a friend who liked the one I posted a few blogs ago. Our Lady of Fatal Assumptions and Our Lady of Possibilities are two entirely new Be Bold Girls who have come to life. So much fun! So much work! So much satisfaction! 

For the time being, I'm not opening an Etsy shop. If you are interested in seeing or buying my cards or bookmarks, please send me your email address or your web or blog address so I can get in touch with you. My email address is babschwartz68@gmail.com.

Baruch ata adonai...Help me to remain honest with myself and what I can do and can't do. Help me keep to a pace that is healthy for me. I want to keep my artist side a part of my life not let it become my life. Where I am right now is the answer to a prayer. Thank you. Don't let me become grandiose. Remind me small steps keep moving me forward. Remind me the words artist and play and fun go hand in hand together. Thank you for bringing me to this time in my life. Amen

The Power of Small Steps

"To recast larger problems into smaller, less arousing problems, people can identify a series of controllable opportunities of modest size that produce visible results." Karl Weick, psychologist who coined the term "small wins."

Last evening I began reading "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" to my seven year old granddaughter on Skype. Ninety miles away she curled up in a chair eating a piece of watermelon, as I delighted in beginning Lewis Carroll's wonderful story after a very long absence. The first chapter finds Alice drinking something she supposed wasn't poison, but could have been, and observes herself getting smaller and smaller and then, seeing a beautiful little cake with EAT ME marked in currants, she does so. "Curiouser and curiouser," she says, now I'm opening out like the largest telescope that ever was!"

Six weeks ago, part way into The Power of Starting Something Stupid by Richie Norton, I decided I wanted to sell the cards I'm making, and I called the manager of our local museum to ask if she would  look at them. First small step. (Six have sold so far.) Then I was asked if I wanted to show my cards at a local food festival. OK, I don't know about showing cards in that way, but I could learn. And Yes, I could sit with them and encourage people to take a look and I could forget about pride and suggest they buy some. Yesterday I sold thirty cards. Along the way I was told about a local company that prints cards for the museum. I'm not in Wonderland. Real Land is quite amazing in itself! If I thought I needed  to chart this out before I started, I might have been overwhelmed, but I do have the ability to go from one small step to the next. Today I'll go to the printer because crafting the cards by hand is stopping me from getting back to the art side of creating that I love: drawing and painting.

People have told me how happy the cards make them feel, and that support carries me on. Each step requires many many small learnings. I can learn each step, but if I begin to look too far ahead, I feel as though I could fall over backwards. Unlike Alice, I'm not getting taller. As I stay within myself, I feel like I'm expanding. It's fun. This week, I'll contact several more galleries and see what happens next.

Baruch ata adonai...I asked for help to stay out of fear. Thank you. As I stay within the reality of taking small steps and away from grandiose thinking or looking too far down the road, I am forward. WOW. Amen

So What Do We Need To Do?

"So what do we do? Anything. Something. So long as we just don't sit there. If we screw it up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we've satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late."Lee Iacocca

Until I started reading "The Power of starting Something Stupid," by Richie Norton I'd been thinking about making greeting cards for a long time. Along the way I accumulated skills to do that. I've made lots of prototypes and now I have another set. This time I've made 100 cards--four different formats.

Here is one of the first cards I made early on. She is brave and tentative, and despite what she feels and how she looks, and despite the fact that she's standing in thin air, she is in balance and very cute.

As I've been reading "The Power of Starting Something Stupid," I find my work is less tentative. More sure. More vibrant. As I'm reading stores about people who had an idea and ran and stumbled with it until it became a household word, I'm making more and more cards more and more easily. Never thought I'd quote Lee Iacocca and know what he says is just what I need to hear. 

This painting went on to become something else, a lesson in leaving well enough alone. It doesn't exist anymore, but I loved what I did with it. Two years ago I joined a painting group in Mexico and needed to talk to myself a lot. "Dare to fear. Accept what is. Play." In its finished state it said "Fall A lot. Play." I like that. The subtitle of the book I'm reading is "How to crush fear, make dreams happen, and live without regret."  

I wanted to show you where I am now, but something interesting has happened. I've taken pictures of my current cards twice and when I try to move them here, they are no where to be found. I think I should go eat breakfast. Nevertheless, today, now that doesn't necessarily mean today as in this week or this month or this period of time, but rather today, as in this very morning, this very day, I feel I have a product to show, and I have local places I can talk to about showing them. Along the way, I'll know I need to do next. And do it.

Baruch ata adonai...I love the sense of energy and purpose I have this morning. May I always remember I have a well inside me to call upon when I'm standing in mid air and my balance seems tipped toward uncertainty. Today, this very day, I will take steps to make me even more believable to myself. Amen

So Hard to Trust when You Haven't a Clue

"Trust that still, small voice that says, 'This might work and I'll try it.'"Diane Marechild

The past few days have been the lulling, quiet, not much happening type, just the kind that used to  make me antsy and impulsive and then for no good reason morph into angst and ennui. But no more. Life is good. The weather is lovely. I woke to rain this morning, so in a day or two my garden will do the happy dance.

I'm painting without having the least idea where I'm going, and yet just the doing is good. The flip side of trusting the process, the nasty nagging side is feeling as though I have no idea what I'm doing either.  Well, it's true, I don't, and I can choose how I feel about that. Shall I put on my duck and cover gear or step into my tutu and boa and dance anyway? When I was writing more and felt dry, I  strung words together that meant nothing at all until some twitch of an idea began to move to a sentence, to a thought, to some idea I had no notion waited inside me. Kind of like now. Now I trust my writing process. I don't know this way of working with paint, but I suspect it is the same. Be patient my heart.

"To the rationally minded the mental processes of the intuitive appear to work backwards." Frances Wickes

Baruch ata adonai...please protect me from my rational mind and it's need to build fences to keep it safe. May I create with paint like my flowers bloom in my garden: sometime showy, sometime waiting for  my words, or fertilizer, or protection from the garden bullies, those slow moving, voracious, relentless, snails to eat them up. Help me paint in an organic way that has nothing to do with my marvelous mind. Amen

Earning My Way Back to Center

"We carry a center
that is always returning."
Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

It's March already and I want to slow down the days. After a month of travel and a then a full month of healing from that, I want to return to my center. Last weekend was the first of the year I've been home with not much planned and also feeling well. March came in like a lamb here and the weather was wonderful. Also I'm still feeling the glow of three peaceful quiet days in Yosemite last week. All auspicious signs in this new year of the snake.

To maintain this sense of peace and wellbeing, I'm on a computer diet. I go out to the world in the morning and email, google, write, and turn it off until after dinner. If I don't turn it off completely I find I'm checking one thing and another and an hour's gone by. When I'm moved to communicate, I write a note on the paper that covers my screen. Two days in, so far so good. I'm also rearranging my schedule so at least three days a week I can start the day off being creative: writing, painting, drawing. I did this the month of December and it was wonderful to connect with my center in such a solid way each morning.

Lately, since I've been healing body pain, I've been too in touch with fear that I won't get better, and then it is so easy for me to spiral downward and inward to no good purpose. This is not my center. I'm going to replace that with meditating so I have a healthy place to return to if I'm knocked off my center by errant thoughts and I will start listening again to a resting program I have. Just five minute segments can bring me back to myself.

Baruch ata adonai...I feel like I'm in a tug of war, pulling myself back to the light. I know how to do this and right now I have the will to do it. Help me return to my center where I am true to myself. Thank you. Amen

Nothing's Black and White

"Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant, there is no such thing. Making your unknown is the important thing--and keeping the unknown always beyond you. Catching, crystallizing your simpler, clearer vision of life--only to see it turn stale compared to what you vaguely feel ahead--that you must always keep working to grasp." Georgia O'Keefe

Whether it is creating with words or with pen and colored pencils, my vision is there, elusive but there, and is something I seldom, but sometimes, am able to get right. When I write, I pare down and down until what I'm left with is the barest truth I can understand and make understandable. Can I start with an empty page and create something clear and simple? Can I draw on blank paper a feeling I want others to recognize? Can I allow myself to chase the vision, and as I move toward what is beyond me, get farther down the road? What I create today may come to feel stale, but for now, for today, I'm thinking the work itself is the important thing, not the results. Creating what I couldn't see before and may not get right is the energy that puts life into my day. Can I do all this and maintain faith in myself?

Baruch ata adonai...there is so much beauty and so much pain in this world all at the same time. The other day I was wondering how you could let so many bad things happen to a friend who has only tried her best to live a good life. Then I remembered you put possibilities before us and you too must weep at the outcomes. Everything is all about the journey and doing the best we can along the way. Thank you for making me who I am and who I will be. Amen

Gratitude Lights Up Our Lives

"Imagine that every person in the world is enlightened but you. They are all your teachers, each doing just the right things to help you learn perfect patience, perfect wisdom, perfect compassion." Jack Kornfield, Buddha's Little Instruction Book"

How can I ignore a word like gratitude when it pops up in my still sleepy mind first thing in the morning? I was thinking of the day a few weeks ago when I challenged myself to remember to say thank you three times to see how that might change my outlook on my day. And, big surprise, it did. I started off with Gracie, my labradoodle. I'm always grateful for her first-thing-in-the-morning in my face enthusiasm. Whether I feel great or not, whether I'm needy or not, she still is so happy to show her joy in seeing me.

What if today, just for one day, I imagined every person in the world is enlightened, each person I meet can help me on my way, and what if I imagined the very thing they need to continue sharing their light is my gratitude. What if I smiled a thank you. What if I said how glad I am to see them. What if I reached out to someone I haven't heard from in awhile and thanked for being in my life. Would that count? I'm making up the rules, and I say, "yes. I will do that.

Would you be willing to try this too and let me know how it works for you?

Baurch ata adonai...I am so grateful to feel better today. Yesterday I did the three things I said I would and each little thing I did felt like a mountain I'd successfully climbed. Today, different challenges, but I'm not far enough away from doing nothing to take anything for granted. Thank you for being my embracing safe haven as I step into each day. Amen

Being Present in the Present

"It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out; it's the grain of sand in your shoe." Robert Service

"With Google I'm starting to burn out on knowing the answer to everything. People in the year 2020 are going to be nostalgic for the sensation of feeling clueless." Doug Coupland

My first thought this morning was on yesterday's conversation with my husband's doctor. After mulling that over for a few minutes, my goal for the day popped up: Don't get ahead of yourself. What to do next? Google of course. Lots of people including Mohammed Ali, Winston Churchill and Clint Eastwood had fairly mundane things to say about this, and the New York Times had a good article explaining what the doctor said.

Don't get ahead of yourself has a lot going for it. It embraces my attitude this month though I haven't thought about it exactly that way. Friends ask if I'm excited about going off to paint in Mexico a week from today, and I am, but I don't think about it much. Each day is full of things I want to do. I've done everything I can to prepare for the trip and to prepare for what may come up for my husband. I don't want to live in the future, even anticipating tomorrow. I do need to remember to pack for a short weekend trip though.

Baruch ata adonai...Help me to be awake to hope and humor and connection and love. Help me to keep my thoughts in this very day so I won't miss what it has to offer. Thank you for being with me. Also, I'd like Google to know I'm grateful for it almost every day, except for when I think they know too much about all of us. Amen