Living with Diminshed Urgency

Only a few things in life really matter, and those few things that do matter, matter immeasurably. Kent Kilbourne

"I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise."
Dawna Markova

Most of last week I spent doing stuff that was important at the moment but not what recharges and refreshes me.  For a few days I was on a tight time table to get things done and there was a price I didn't count on paying. My five minute first-thing-in-the morning writings were superficial and unsatisfying. There was no time to write my blog which often helps me know who I am that day. My sleep was worse than usual, there was no time to do art and these are the things that matter immeasurably to me.  At this point in my life, I've completed most of my life tasks and now I live in a way I haven't before: meandering rather than being purpose driven. I can't go back. Through writing and playing with colors and media I've learned to open myself to myself. I am continually grateful I have the luxury of diminished urgency.

Finally on Friday, I did something that really mattered. I got to be Nana. I picked up Charlie after school and  and we went to the arcade, to the bookstore, to the yogurt shop, found a small outpost of San Francisco's Exploratorium where we explored magnets and iron filings and how each ear functions separately from the other depending on the input. He's close to seven and holding hands when we cross the street isn't what he wants to do, so we held fingers. Each time we crossed we figured out how to make different fingers hold on to each other. The next day I watched my almost nine year old granddaughter become a fearless soccer goalie and immersed myself in appreciation of my other granddaughter as she navigated playground equipment both fearlessly and with an awareness of what is safe for her four year old self to do and what isn't.

Today I when I woke up I wrote and painted and went for a walk with a friend. I enjoyed some homemade soup for lunch. I took a shower around noon and went out to do some errands. Today I put a spell on myself and did only things that satisfy and refresh me. If you could see me now, you would see me pounding my chest and dancing up and down. Well, not actually. I'd like to see myself doing that too.

I think these pictures I completed yesterday afternoon reflect a letting go of too much busyness.

Baruch ata adonai....Help me to remember what is important to me and what isn't. Help me to tell myself and others I can't do some things even if I want to because it isn't good for me. May I have the courage to be attentive to the steps I take. Amen

Create Your Best Days

"The universe supplies exactly and absolutely what you perceive your reality to be, that is to say, what you believe in." The Art of Manifestation

Each time I stand in front of a work of art that resonates with me, each time I look at a tree tricked out in spring bloom, each time I meet with a friend and feel a spark of recognition fill the hidden spaces between us, I am changed and enriched in a way that fills me with joy. As Gary Zukov said, "Every intention sets energy in motion whether you are conscious of it or not," so why not set that energy in motion on purpose.

Recently I have been thinking of things I'd like to manifest in my life, simple things  I can recognize when they happen.  The first day I set the intention of manifesting lots of contact with friends, and that came to pass the next day: two emails from people I haven't connected with in a long time, phone calls and an invitation to lunch. I felt embraced with love. The next day I paid it forward and called my friend, the Glorious Grandma Glad for her 94th birthday and emailed a few people I was thinking about.

Yesterday I searched for a lost library book, due today, one I hadn't even gotten around to reading. I began systematically cleaning up one room after another: the bedroom, my studio, the kitchen, my office. Everything looked immaculate, but I still hadn't found that book. I emailed a friend and asked her to manifest me finding it because she's good at that sort of thing, and then I thought I would test this whole manifestation idea and see what would happen. I set the intention of finding it easily and not worrying about it if I didn't. Shortly after, I walked into my office, put my hand on the books above my desk and fingered each one. There it was, and then I remembered putting away a stack of books a couple of days before and jamming them in empty spaces.

I don't believe this happens with furrowed brow, a grim determination to wish something into existence, and preparing yourself for failure.  I think it happens when we hold our intention lightly like listening for the sounds of birds and then continue on our way. What I've found since I've been doing this is that everything seems like a gift.

Baruch ata adonai...thank you for the richness of my days, the opportunity to create art and the balm of friendship. Amen

Art as Metaphore

"What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and those around you. I had begun to enjoy the seduction of inadequacy, but flowers keep blooming inside me." Lupita Nyong'o

The activity in last week's Life Book 2014 online art course was to celebrate connections in life while at the same time continuing to learn how to draw a face, create transparent layers using collage, gesso, stamps, writing, and applying paint over and over again. The first task was to find a face in a magazine to use as a base and then make it our own by completely changing it. Wow. Isn't this just like real life. If you peeled off your layers, wouldn't find you find something completely different underneath, an entire back story? This week's project is a metaphor for life: create a face, change it, try on clothes, change a hair color, collage over the rough spots, get a new wardrobe until you've got your very best look. Then with compassion, change your thoughts as well.

Academy Award winner Lupita Nyong'o, winner of the supporting actress award for 12 Years a Slave, is an amazing inspirational speaker and writer. "I had begun enjoying the seduction of inadequacy but flowers keep blooming inside me." I love that. I know about that. Peel back my layers and you can see all the times I've lived that seduction, but not now. Now I'm getting better and I'm gentle with myself. Lovely combo.

Baruch ata adonai...I am so blessed to live a long enough life to look back and appreciate my many layers with compassion and love. Amen

In Sync with Why

"I bless this journey
with moments of delight
where time disappears
and truth emerges...."
Peleg Top

Week Four Life Book 2014

This quote by Peleg Top is my current measure to see if I'm in sync with my why. Why am I doing what I'm doing now? When I'm in touch with my why, I create with soul filling energy.

I would say I'm deep in the healing step of reclaiming my joy in creating. Yesterday I stopped by a shop that shows my cards. I wanted to swap some out, and when I got home, the truth was that I didn't want to make cards to sell anymore. I love the time I spend drawing. The joy drained out when I began to "manufacture" them to sell. Above my desk is an  unfinished painting from Flora's last online class. It has a lot going for it. When I can approach it again and work on it with delight, I will. I will not struggle with myself to get myself to do it. Right now I'm having a lot of fun beginning with a toilet roll and seeing what I can do with it. I'm playing to get the fun back into art.

Elements of an Assemblage in Progress

As I try out different elements and while I play with assemblages, the hours pass seamlessly. I draw little ladies that make  me happy. They grew out of years of doodling and express various parts of me. As with writing, when I draw, my creative expression comes from following an intuitive trail, and when I come to the end, I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Painting is a very different thing. Much more difficult and less spontaneous. My main achievement in Flora's Bloom True class is letting go of outcome. I love big brushes, big canvases, big mess, lots of layers. Fun if I don't make work out of it. I'm looking forward to that.

I'm so grateful to artist Jeanne Bessette who asks great questions on her HeArt Space Facebook page.

Baruch ata adonai...it's so easy to do what I do because I've walked down a path I thought was a good idea or because someone encouraged me to, but when I've lost energy and enthusiasm for that way of doing or being, I've lost myself. Just now there are lots of teachers in my life all saying the same thing in different ways and I'm hearing them. Thank you. Amen

Before I Walk Through the Open Door Into The New Year

"In the case of the creative mind, it seems to me, the intellect has withdrawn its watchers from the gates, and the ideas rush in pell-mell, and only then does it review and inspect the multitude. You worthy critics, or whatever you may call yourselves, are ashamed or afraid of the momentary and passing madness which is found in all real creators, the longer or shorter duration of which distinguishes the thinking artist from the dreamer. Hence your complaints of unfruitfulness, for you reject too soon and discriminate too severely." Friedrich von Schiller

Because I have been willing to trust my creative mind more than ever before, trust its murmuring, trust its quiet little voice, its tap tap tapping patiently on my shoulder and especially when it slaps like a thunderbolt, I have learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of doing. As I continue to be willing to be active in the process of letting go, I've been able to keep my inner "worthy critic" at bay longer than before. When I saw this quote last week it resonated with a big wow. "I reject too soon and discriminate too severely." I compare my work in process with an accomplished artist's final product, and you know all about that don't you!

Because I paid attention to my mind's murmuring, I signed up again for Bloom True, an acrylic painting class with Flora Bowley. I've got a long way to go before I'm at home with acrylics and canvas. I've taken classes from her before and love her style, her use of color and her willingness to take chances. This year Flora stretched herself a lot and she showed her students the personal risks she is taking even though she was way beyond uncomfortable taking them. I enjoyed painting for longer and longer periods of time and though one painting is still in a chaotic state, two others are hanging in my home, reminders of how far I've come in this process.

I'm much more comfortable drawing my little ladies as well as mixed breed animals all of whom defy gravity and normal body shapes. After years of being shy about sharing this with others, I went public on my blog and in real life by putting cards together and selling them. Our local museum shop took a chance on me as did a half dozen other venues. I'm learning what I don't want to do again, and last night I wrote down steps I could take next year, tomorrow, to continue to grow and take chances in this area. My inner critic is quite willing to withhold comments when it comes to drawing. What a relief.

It was quite a surprise to realize what a creative lightning strike can accomplish. There were three I can think of. One clap pushed me down the road to others. Flora suggested I look into the August Joy Up, a vision book class. I loved doing that and made some discoveries about myself. One is that I love horses. Through the joy of creating vision pages and trusting the process, I discovered equine therapy. I was moved to make all arrangements to take a class only a couple of weeks away within hours of discovering that it existed.

The rewards from making the cards have gone way beyond the steps of creating, making and selling. I've met a wonderful new friend that way and put together two books, one combining prayers and drawings. I've learned to ask for what I want and take chances. A goal for the new year is to create a different line of cards, keep track of the expenses, and make the process of putting the cards together much simpler and keep the cost of the card down. If you have experience along this line and are willing to share, please contact me.

I'm closing the door on 2013 with no regrets and a feeling of accomplishment and joy. Yeah!

Baruch ata adonai...may I trust my creative mind and let it grow without the need to check its madness with fear and shame. Hallelujah! Amen

Friendship and Gratitude

"When you are aware of all that has been given to you, in your lifetime and in the past few days, it is hard not to be humbled and pleased to give back. Most humbling of all is to comprehend the lifesaving gift that your pit crew of people has been for you." Anne Lamott

Yesterday and the day before captured everything good about 2013.

One day was totally and unexpectedly dominated by the celebration of friendship, and I began to rejoice in the way serendipity brings us together and then glues us through all the calamities and joys of life. Two friends who arrived by pure chance have stayed for decades. Another opened the door just a few months ago. The amazing thing is that we each recognize something undefinable and alluring in each other which is worth sticking around for. Many friends come through shared interests, and I wonder when so many others are involved in the same way, what it is about certain people that keeps us checking into each others lives. My friends have rallied over and over this year. Thank you all. You are better than magic, and I know I am so lucky.

Yesterday we drove to the mountains to have lunch with our grandchildren and watch them confidently and eagerly start their skiing lessons. It was the Monday before Christmas and not many people or other creatures were were stirring on the road or at the resort. We drove over to the mountain and hiked into our cabin. A couple was ice skating way out on the lake. It seemed like a daring and joyful thing to chance so early in the season. We crunched our way over the snow filled road, checked out our cabin which looked snug and brave, and then continued down to the lake.  Could a day be more life affirming, more soul drenched, more beautiful and pristine? It was truly a winter wonderland.

As the year ends, I am filled with gratitude, optimism, and good health. At least for a few days, maybe if only for today, may I remember to stop and enjoy each moment. May I look into the eyes of others and see them. May I go forward and into the future minutes and hours with soft sweetness. May we all.

Baruch ata adonai...More and more for more and more time I feel I am the person I want to be. It is good to feel comfortable within myself. May I be the friend others are for me. May I continue to be willing to learn and change and challenge and accept what comes to me day by day. Thank you for the blessings of this year. Amen

 

A Whole Lot of Learning

This little girl with iron will  rose up from letting go of a lovely underwater scene that wasn't going anywhere, and she's taught me a lot about survival, transformation, determination, being grounded, and going along bravely, lovingly, and not quite so surely. That's a whole lot of learning to come from a canvas and a bunch of paints.

As she began to evolve, her very body position said, "Don't you dare paint me over. Fear not." Yesterday I watched a video with Peleg Top who said, "Fear is a terrible consultant." I have painted in fear in the past. I know you can fill in the blanks about that one, the way fear has stopped you dead in your tracks. This time I continued on and realized she isn't an angel but a butterfly, and it was way past time for me to step out of need and into transformation. And it came to pass she was standing on a turtle, the very symbol of moving slowly, being grounded, peaceful.

 Now I'm letting her go. I'm signing the painting and thanking her for all she's taught me.

 
Peleg Top is new to me. You can watch his short video on abundance and how to live an abundant life here. He's not talking about an abundance of monetary wealth but rather inner abundance: the ability to love yourself, to live without destructive stress and anxiety, to live in gratitude and creativity. It's all about what I experienced.

Baruch ata adonai...last week when I sat down to write, I intended to write about gratitude, but I was totally blocked. This week  the lessons just kept on coming. Blogs arrived and videos appeared with the same message. Love yourself and be thankful. What you think you will become. Thank you for sending them. Thank you for opening my ears and my heart. Thank you. Amen

    

Creative Every Day November 11

"No positive change can occur in my life as long as I cling to the thought that the reason for my not living well lies outside myself." Terry Hershey

To warm up this morning, I continued on with a new canvas by painting cool colors over warm. The random marks don't bother me. It's suppose to be this way. Out of randomness comes the picture that wants to be born like Michelangelo sculptures emerging from stone. He probably knew where he was going every step of the way, and he still had to follow seams existing in the stone itself. And so I put down marks that are random and layer by layer something, I don't know anything about just now will emerge. In this way the turtle girl I'd never met before came out of the chaos.

At this point in the painting, I don't have that feeling of reckless abandon. This morning I'm asking myself what's working and what's not working. How do I keep every little stroke from becoming too precious, too thought out, too deliberate? How do I keep letting go rather than painting like someone who is fearful of losing something? Unlike the earlier stage of another painting, I can't paint "no regrets" on this one. This one's a keeper. I really love the central part of this canvas. There's the turtle walking its path in peace, sticking to it with determination and serenity. There's the busy fluttery butterfly, the end stage of a big transition that only lives for a day. And there she is, the impatient girl coming out of nowhere who is learning to fly, and at the same time loves that sure steadiness at her foundation.

I've outlined some areas in the side panels and I'm thinking those marks will disappear. I think she is being born form we don't know what, and we don't need to know. There's a trick to keeping what is working and changing the rest, but I don't know what it is. Yet.

Baruch ata adonai....how do I walk the line between letting go and having to know? Anything I need or want or hope to be is already in me right now. Help me to live with the mystery. Amen

On Your Mark, Get Set, Let Go

"There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be." Rev. Safier Rose

I awoke from a long dream and knew it was an important one. There were the usual suspects: people I haven't seen for years, in places I'm not quite sure exist, vaguely connected to things I've recently encountered. Toward the end I'm sitting on the ground Indian style (which I can't do anymore), writing important sayings on a block of plastic wrapped Monterey Jack cheese which is supported by a stack of my green childhood encyclopedias, which in real life I just gave away and haven't looked at in years. The dream occurred at the end of a week when all the steps I wrote about a couple of  weeks ago were finished, and I felt there was nothing more I could do to help myself prepare for the future.

As soon as I woke up and wrote the dream down, I realized it had a important piece of information for me. Cheese melts. Reference books are not only out of date, but also unread, and no matter how much I prepare for the changes ahead, life is going to happen in unpredictable ways. Relax. There is nothing I can control. At that moment, I let go.

And remember my experience at Equine Therapy less than a month ago? Until I let go of my self talk, my self defeating self talk, until I emptied myself of all thought and just stood quietly and at peace with no expectations, only then would the horse know I was safe and it was safe with me. Only then could we join together and play together.

Today is the beginning of the third week of an online art class that involves, guess what, letting go. What you see is the third step. The first two layers are applications of warm colors and cool colors. The class is about painting intuitively. I see some good stuff here, and I know my head and my heart are loving this journey. Great music is on and am having fun. Nothing in mind. No expectations. Then we're on to adding black and white.

Oh dear. Getting a bit chaotic and yet there are elements here I hope I can come back to. I know they're going to disappear with the next layers, but there are parts I love, and before it becomes too precious, too hard to let go, I add more elements so I can move on. Then we add three translucent colors.

This is what letting go looks like. I know it is just where it's suppose to be, and yet, where are the parts I loved so much? We've been told not to worry about pretty or making it look like anything in particular. I've taken this class three times, and I've never gotten this far, never been able to look at it and not see chaos and be scared and intimidated. I can hardly wait to see what we're going to be asked to do next.

In order to let go, I've got to go against my nature. I've got to let go of being in control, of needing to have a plan, of knowing where things are going. In paintings and dreams and in life, things change quickly. What I'm changing is only paint on canvas, and I do know it's much more than that. The other side of being in control is everything else that is possible.

"There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be." Rev. Safire Rose

Baruch ata adonai...what a journey. I'm loving all these lessons one after the other. Thank you. Thank you. Amen

Become a Warrior for Yourself

The Spirits of Joy assignment on day nine was to dream about a relationship I seek. It's where I left off in my blog last week: Choosing Myself I Feed Myself. After a few days of writing and looking for images, I realized I am looking for a new relationship with myself. "I am the heroine of my own truth. I feel it in my body. I allow feelings and space and feel them without fear. See myself. See my feelings. I have answers for me." The page is called: I See You.

Well, I must admit I was thinking about images like balance, free, strong. What I got this weekend was the opportunity to experience feelings of rage, fear, being overwhelmed, the feeling of my blood pressure rising. And so, there it is. The answer to my wanting. I got to practice feeling. I can assure you it didn't feel like practice at the time. Yesterday I had no perspective, but thanks to these pages I can look back and say to myself, "Oh, that's how feelings feel. I love you. I was doing homework!!" I don't mean to make light of it at all. There's heavy sledding coming up in terms of things I need to do, but I didn't stuff my feelings.

So now what? If I am the heroine of my own truth, then what do I feel, what do I do? What is the feeling I'll have if I see myself and show up for myself?  What if I open my heart and accept what I see? Then what? This was the next assignment. It took days of writing and thinking. Here's one thing. I've been playing with clothes, with putting together a wardrobe that makes a joyful and playful statement. I want to dress like I'm delighted with myself. All the time. I went to a party last weekend wearing my new "this is me" costume, and the evening was quite amazing. I had a fabulous time and talked to lots of people I didn't know before, people I'll follow up on.

It's not all changing the outside, I can change my inside, I can feel the way I want to feel by  doing  things I love on a regular basis. I can sing with groups of singers, dance alone, dance my moods, my longing, dance with abandon. I can meditate and live in the present moment, and especially lifesaving: I can limit trying to solve agonizing problems having to do with my computer or the telephone company to one a day.

How do we become warriors for ourselves? How do we hear our words of yearning and longing which whisper themselves in our ears so softly we merely feel the movement of air? How do we dream beautiful dreams that lead us on in our lives giving us internal and external purpose?  Once we know those dreams, we can make them happen! This is the amazing thing. I sound like an evangelist. Once we know this, we already have everything we need to make them happen. It is a process. My process now is doing vision books. Yours will be something else. How will you become a warrior for yourself?

Baruch ata adonai...I am here. Yesterday in my anger I felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and alone and afraid. I got a strong message about being a control freak. Do you really use those words? I call it examining the future so when I'm up against a wall I have an idea of where to turn. I think I need to soften a whole lot here and be gentle with myself. This morning my son, Scott, called to see how I am. He heard me when I asked for his help and he shows up. I am so grateful. Amen



















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Choosing Myself I Feed Myself

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not here together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you." A.A. Milne

This afternoon, when I read the title and first line of a poem by Kendra Ford, I read it wrong. The title is Closing Words and the first line reads, "I feed myself." What I thought I read was, "choosing myself I feed myself." I can see how I did it: changed closing to choosing and followed with the last word of the first sentence.  I've been chewing it over ever since. I love the combination: Choosing myself, I feed myself. Say it to yourself. "Choosing myself I feed myself." Close your eyes, take a cleansing breath, and say it to yourself again. Start with a cleansing breath and repeat one more time. Oh I do love it. 

This week I've continued on with a course called Spirits of Joy. Here are the cover and first page of my vision book. 

Spirit of Joy: Here we go! Now Fly!

I find this process enormously freeing. You can do it too. Want to find out what you're longing for? First look through a bunch of magazines and clip words and pictures that stop you. There's more to it, of course, and you can figure out what works for you. It's this process that helped me learn something about myself I didn't know. I love horses. In two weeks I'm going to take a weekend Equine Therapy class, something I didn't know existed before I made a vision page on the longing of my soul. It helps to have a prompt. The prompts I worked with this week are color (which brought me to cleaning out my closet and visioning a new wardrobe,) I am..., listen, something I'd like in my home, and something I want to have happen in the next six months. 

There's a lot coming up in my life that bit by bit will change it a lot. Choosing myself, choosing to feed myself, choosing to be brave in supporting myself, choosing to be believable to myself, and knowing what I want will help me maintain health and emotional stability now and in the future. (This change has nothing to do with my physical health.)

My thoughts about "choosing myself I feed myself" come from a mailing from Terry Hershey called Sabbath Morning which you can find at www.terryhershey.com. I highly recommend you link up with him. He writes a weekly spiritual shot in the arm complete with book recommendations, poems, things to think about and You Tube clips. It's fabulous to find Paulo Coelho and Pooh in one collection of writing. I was very touched by his inclusion of a You Tube clip of Pooh and Christopher Robin talking. Go to You Tube and type in braver than you believe.

This weekend is the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of repentance. My soul searching has taken a very different course this year. The first thing I did was send a letter asking for forgiveness for a disrespectful act on my part. I learned a lot about myself doing that. Most years I go through my calendar and my writings and ponder how I missed the mark, how I was a disappointment to myself and others. Then I spend the day in temple searching for how I can do better. This year I've thought more about the ways I can support myself in the coming year, the ways I can be a light to myself, the ways I can feed myself so I can live with hope and peace and not with regret. 

Baruch ata adonai...In my lifetime my country has been involved in seven wars and is now pondering an eighth. I don't even know what to say. I've stopped and started many times. Help our leaders to be humble. Help them know stepping away from the brink leads to new ways of thinking. Help them search for peace. Help us all. Amen

The Cleansing Blessing of Being in the Present Moment

The view from my window: the sky's gorgeous layers of grey, dark and darker grey, and also white and brighter white. Quite monochromatic. Definitely a change in the weather common to the beginning of September and a welcome break from last week's heat. I took several pictures through the open window's screen which gave it an effect I loved. I tried three times to move the pictures to my computer. Nothing connected. So here's the first best thing about today. I chose to do nothing about it. What a blessed relief.

This is a perfectly ordinary Monday for me. I'm sitting at my computer first thing in the morning, wondering what I'm thinking and liking this idea of doing nothing. What if I acted as if I didn't have to do anything at all about so much that goes on in my life? What if I acted as if the me I meet this morning is just a perfectly fine version of me? What would happen if I didn't worry about my leg pain which really concerns me? What if I acted as if everything my husband does requires no help or opinions from me? What if I acted as though I'm not waiting for one single thing?

The kind of nothing I'm thinking of is a surrender to the moment, to living in that moment. I can choose to rearrange my mood by struggling with iphoto or my camera, or I can do nothing at all about it. Who really needs to see those pictures?  Last week my acupuncturist suggested every few hours or so, I check in to the present moment by taking a minute to notice the colors or shapes or sounds or textures in that moment. Nothing more. Just be in that minute. I choose to think this has contributed to sleeping better at night. For a few minutes a day, spread out through the day, I stopped the chatter. Yesterday a very bouncy song ran through my mind, you know, the kind of thing you can't get rid of? Then I missed it when it wasn't there, because it too became a moment of dodging the commentary constantly going on in my monkey mind. Now I sing it on purpose and enjoy the moment of doing nothing more than singing.

I like the Hebrew word dayenu. It means "it is enough." For today I am waiting for nothing at all. For today I'm celebrating what's right with the moment. It's another thing I'll add to my hourly moment of being in the present moment and doing nothing about it. Whatever I am is enough. Dayenu.

Baruch ata adonai...I sigh a great sigh of relief. I am here. I am just here in the cool breeze of this grey morning. I just am. Here. Amen

Starting This New Day

"The mind turns. the thoughts churn. those old familiar tunes re-play themselves over and over in my stubborn head." Marcie Scudder

We begin each new day, each new activity, each attempt to love what is, with where we are. It may feel just like yesterday, but if we look close enough, it isn't precisely the same. That tune that sounds so familiar is slightly different.  I like to look out the window near my computer and meditate on who I am right at the beginning of a new day. This morning, it turns out I'm in hangover from the emotional overload of the weekend. I feel a bit like this:

If I'd paid attention, really paid attention to the tune in my head, I never would have decided to charge into a computer problem that seems to interfere with readers leaving comments. I only recently found out google+ might be the culprit, and I want to opt out, so of course I googled for directions on how to do that. Not such a good choice. I immediately came to this fork in the road. "I understand that deleting the service can't be undone and data I delete can't be restored." With a click of the button I can "remove selected services," but what am I removing? It's too early in the morning to make such a commitment. Today I'm not an armored knight. Actually I need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, I definitely need more selected services and I haven't had breakfast.

It's easy enough to decide not to deal with google+ on an empty stomach and a too full head, and maybe one of you can find me on Facebook and tell me how to do it. For now,  I'm getting a glass of lemon water and a cheese stick so I can continue to write and get my sugar level up a bit. OK, I hear you. Maybe not a cheese stick.

My yoga teacher advises me to remember I'm not asking for perfection. I only need to make space in my body to listen. She suggests I breathe. I close my eyes and concentrate on my breath. Maybe I'll put myself in this mountain scene. This is a photo of hike into Lake Winnemucca I took last weekend. You could sit here for a bit while I breathe.

While I breathe, I focus on the in and out of my breath, and then the thought came that I should call an old friend and ask for her help. I thanked the thought and went back to focus on my breath. "Just this," a mantra I used in the past came next. "Just this moment. Just this step. Just this one thing." Yes. I thank the thought and go back to following my breath. Next in my mind I'm doing the sun salutation. After decades as a yoga student, I haven't practiced the asanas in months. In my mind as I go through the steps I am rusty, but the thought comes, "trust your muscle memory." Yes. It's where I need to be today. For today I need to trust just this. Trust just this breath. Trust just this feeling. Move from moment to moment, because as we all know, moment to moment is all we have anyway. Perhaps I should have continued to meditate longer, I wish I had, but for now it is a good starting place for my day.

So here I am. I've shown up for the day and I've made space for my body to listen and begin to pay attention, to play this new tune louder than the old static trying to take over but lower in volume now. "Trust just his moment."I choose this intention to take me into my day for now, knowing I may slip away, knowing I can come back, knowing I have muscle memory for this thought too.

Baruch ata adonai...my prayers the last few nights have been simple ones. "Help!"Today I start with the prayer to trust myself to stay in the present moment. Please help me stay in the present moment, thanking my other thoughts for their opinions, but trusting where I need to be is with just this one thought, just this one moment, just this one step. It's not an easy practice. Help. Amen

Creating Space to Grow

Last week I weeded shelves in my studio and spent the rest of the day unsentimentally clearing the debris left on the floor into giveaway and throwaway boxes. The bones of my shelves are labeled boxes are nicely and generously organized. Anything that can't be defined so I just might have a chance of finding it again is gone. I have created space to grow. I no longer need to push away mess to begin anew. I've framed and displayed some of my little ladies, and I'm ready to head in a new direction art wise.

I learn in my studio that overgrowth scares me. Being lost scares me, and simplifying and letting go help deal with those fears. It's a tidy process. I just ended the previous sentence by saying, "...but it's not so much like life." Then I began to wonder if it could hold the key to what's on my mind now. Can beliefs be so readily categorized and dealt with?

As I set my intention for the coming week, I acknowledge in my out of studio life, I am a bit lost, but a lot found. Just because I'm scared, doesn't mean I have to duck and cover. It doesn't mean I'm back at the beginning again. It doesn't mean anything but what I attach to it. You may not know what I'm talking about, but you can look inside and check out where in your life you are a bit lost and a lot found. That's just where I am. Old beliefs are seductive, but they aren't working. I am at a junction. I'm letting go of expectations for myself and am letting go of expecting others to change or not change, and for today, around this one issue that's thrown me, I'm going to try something just to get me going. I'm creating a bag for old beliefs I want to get rid of and one for beliefs worth saving.

I take a deep breath. There is work to do today. I take a deep breath. This is where I am at the present moment. I need to make space in my body now. I need to box up and let go what doesn't serve now. I need to re-pattern myself. I need to return to my heart center and give my brain a break.

Baruch ata adonai...everything I'm doing supports and opens me to trust myself. May I be patient and generous with myself and others as I clear and allow myself space to grow. Amen

Reaping What I Sowed

"How often I experience growth and work toward growth as a result of pain and suffering. May I commit myself to growth through joy and happiness. May I believe this is an even more valid means of growth." From a prayer I wrote in 2010.

My art journals from the fall of 2010 through the end of 2011 now look to me as though I planted seeds and knowingly marched on to how I'm feeling about myself now and what I'm doing today. In that year and a quarter, day after day, I wrote poems and prayers and dreams and experimented with ideas for projects and drawings. If you've followed my blog, you know it wasn't a straight line, but rather one moving through angst to joy.

The odd shaped pieces of colored paper came from SCRAP, a San Francisco treasure trove of recycled art supplies. They still have hundreds of these pages with a flag cut out. I can't imagine where they came from. I love the two hole binder ring approach. I was willing to put down anything. I know if I'd started with a bound book I wouldn't have been as uninhibited.

Today after a great meeting with another artist, I decided to go through these journals to see where they might take me today. I farmed them and put together this little book of resources.

The note cards I've been selling this month came from ideas I developed in these journals, but then I had no idea where they would lead me. I was too into the idea of art being hard work rather than fun play.

Somehow through writing this blog, through prayers, through loving my little ladies and seeing where they would take me, I did let go and then I took off. I have ideas for moving my drawings from cards to walls. Or maybe I'll go back to painting fabric. That was something else I found in the journals. Or maybe I'll figure out how to combine the two.

Baruch ata adonai... I'm so glad I documented where I was a few years ago. I can see how far I've come. I am so pleased I've lightened up on myself. What a lovely journey life can be. Amen

Accepting Authenticity as an Artist

"Most of us simply don't know how to move from who we are pretending to be to who we truly are. Every day, you either become more aligned with your authentic self or you move further away. And the difference lies completely in the choices you make." Richie Norton, The Power  of Starting Something Stupid

I still stumble when someone asks if I'm an artist: after all, real artists are in galleries, are on museum walls, are the stuff of art history classes. Now my art is in a museum, in the museum gift shop, and my art will soon be in galleries. I'm in transition as I move from someone who dabbles to someone who must own that a change has taken place. My challenge is to become comfortable calling myself an artist and become comfortable selling my art.

I can trace the change to two things: my sister and a friend strongly encouraged me to hang my canvases on the walls in my home, and The Power of Starting Something Stupid. I found this book recommended on a blog I tripped on one day. As I read, not yet connecting what I read to what I would begin to do, I thought of my son and how much this book was aimed at him, and still not yet connecting to myself, I decided to ask the manager of our local Haggin Museum if she would look at my cards and consider selling them there. She said yes, and then a new friend, a gallery owner, said yes too.

The past week I felt as though I was running rough. I think my gears had been stripped.  This morning,  I believe I am going through a realignment and am moving toward a new balance, the first of many I'm sure, as I accept my authentic self as an artist.

Baruch ata adonai...it is a blessing to accept myself as I am. Why have I been struggling? As this new path opens, help me to stay calm, to recognize more quickly when I'm stressing myself, to breathe and meditate when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Help me to love myself when I doubt and to appreciate and enjoy the journey into the totally unexpected life bonus opening to me. Amen

Go Back to Basics Over and Over

                               "A mind too active is no mind at all." Theodore Roethke

While the city slept, my mind on dreams fired off in the most extravagant ways, painting over and over my plans for the next day. By the time I woke up, well, got out of bed, I was fully in my head, buzzy and floaty. Know the feeling? Most of the day I did productive procrastination. I've got a system now and made a bunch of cards and aimed at setting up an Etsy shop mid afternoon. And I started. And I stopped. And I decided if just the thought of all the work involved had stopped my creative juices from flowing what would happen if I force marched myself through the steep learning curve and onto page 800 something in the greeting card category?

So I listened to a Jon Kabat-Zinn mindfulness meditation CD and let the Mountain Meditation take over. What came to me was Morning Pages. Get back to the Morning Pages. Go to the bottom of the mountain and start hiking up again. Have you read Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way? From my notes it looks like I've been reading parts of it for years. Morning pages are three pages of longhand stream-of-consciousness writing aimed at draining the blah blah blah out of your head. Here's where you dump off your creative Censor's negative opinions and other untruths you're telling yourself even though they are certainly the gospel. When I finished writing yesterday, I felt as though I made a U-Turn just before the hitting the wall of creative burnout. Day after day of dumping will finally clear the space for inner wisdom to come percolating through the ooze. I come home to Morning Pages as soon as my mind clears space for the memory of Morning Pages to surface. And so this morning I'm back to the place of my inner grounding, I am gratefully back to basics. Returning home. Yeah!

Here's Laurel, one of the Be Bold Card series, doing the happy dance with bouquets of hearts in her hands. Not sure why she has that big grey box around her, but that's another learning curve to deal with another day. She and her sisters are going to bed for now.

Baruch ata adonai...I am happy and grateful for all the work I've done on this series. I'm delighted the Haggin Museum is buying them. I'm hoping people will love them. Now I'm putting all the pieces and parts in boxes and cleansing my brain. Help me to be willing to write morning pages for at least the next month, because I know this is what I need to do for my health. Remind me to be patient with myself as I begin to paint again. Remind me it will take awhile to get my muscles working. Thank you. Amen

Sit. Close Your Eyes. Ask Yourself How You're Feeling.

A few minutes ago, when I sat down to the computer, I closed my eyes and asked myself how I'm feeling. The way the answer came surprised me. "You are feeling great joy." Not I am feeling, but rather it seems someone else is giving me that message. So then I asked myself why, and the answers came rolling in. "Because your cabin in the mountains will be open in six weeks or so. Because you are going to the art center party tonight. Because finally your new glasses are ready to be picked up. Because you've made plans to go see Charlie play t-ball, and Sidney turn three, and discuss with Annie the book you're illustrating for her. Because after years of not wanting to prepare dinner, you're enjoying it now and making delicious meals. Because you made a breakthrough in thinking on the assemblage you've been working on. Because your body will be feeling better. Because you believe what you wrote the other day and are back on the track training for your life long marathon. Believe me now?"

It's not everyday I have the feeling God is laying on the evidence, telling me what I should know, if only I were smart enough to see myself clearly. I think I'm out of the funk that began a week ago today. I believe I am feeling great joy today. Way better than inglorious funk! It helps that the weather is great,  that the wind has slowed down. It helps that for the past two days, I've been working in the garden feeling sad for the plants that didn't make it through the winter and delighting in the forthcoming gifts from the ones that show so much promise.

Baruch ata adonai...thank you for being with me this morning and for such a clear message. I have so much in my life. I am grateful for the joy it brings me. Today I will remind myself over and over, "You are feeling great joy." And so I am. Amen

Dealing with Our Stuff

The American People's Encyclopedia occupied a prominent position in my parent's home for fifty years. Purchased volume by volume from Sears, they represented more than my parent's prayer for our future. They meant my parents had enough money to provide for us what they never had. The books gave them a certain gravitas, proclaimed them adult members of the middle class. They meant my sister and I were to have a college education, that we would never have to face years of unemployment as my father had, and though we were only six and eleven when they arrived, we knew these serious looking books meant business.

Sixty-three years later, those volumes bought with savings and great hopes, those volumes which had a place of honor in my own living room, were dumped on the floor in my home. Have I ever looked at them in all the time they lived with me? In this day of Wikipedia and instant online sources for all you want to know, these volumes speak of another time. Saying good-bye isn't so easy. Even though my parents were very practical people, I feel I need to apologize to them, thank them, honor their hopes so fully realized.

No matter how important our stuff is to us, how freighted with history and personal weight, our kids don't want much of it. By the time my parents died, my sister and I had overstuffed homes. Now our kids do too. My son has told me he doesn't want any of it: not my grandmother's wedding plates and glasses we used and they used on special occasions when we were all growing up, not the sterling silver in the same box I played with as a child, and knew one day would be mine.

So what do we do with the stuff we carry, the stuff we box and store, the stuff we think is so important or simply can't figure out what to do with? These encyclopedias will be upcycled to art pieces. What would my father think? Better than going to the dump I say. No one wants mid century encyclopedias any more. I'll save one remnant: "Anatomy of the Human Body, 12 transparent plates showing the internal organs in natural color." They always fascinated me, and though you can see through page to page from boney structures of the chest to intestines to the scrotum, though you can see front sides and back sides, I still can't see and couldn't then see the very thing I looked for: what little girls are made of and why aren't my reproductive organs even mentioned?

Baruch ata adonai...I am so thankful to my parents for wanting so much for me and doing so much to make that happen. Thank you for placing me in their arms. I will create an art piece in their honor so that this book and their intentions for me live on. I like thinking about that. Amen

Spring is all anticipation

"When all is said and done, spring is the main reason for Wow." Anne Lamott

As I look out my window, trees silhouetted against blue and pink strata now changing to the faintest of yellow pink and greying blue fill my view. In a very short time, just the time I take to write this, the sun has come up enough to reveal shades of green, green trees so recently bare then decked out with buds, then blooms, then the release of petals dropped to a blizzard of white on the ground all around it. The recent rain has made the trees so happy, the air so clean. My garden looks like a teenager getting ready to go to her first prom. In days the wisteria will trail through the arbor, long purple plumes anticipated for so long and gone in days. And now the sky is beginning to show its color for the day, a glare of bright grey.

Why has the thought of pencil boxes, an archaic reference to the past, come to mind? Maybe it's the distinctive smell of anticipation like opening a new book or getting a box of brand new crayons, tips pristine, paper in tact, or new shoes when we're kids and we know we can run faster and jump farther and higher now. Or the smell of my first car, the smell of freedom and possibility. Spring is all satisfying anticipation. Each spring day I thank the tulip tree I pass on my morning walk for coming out again, for giving me so much hope and encouragement to bloom myself.

Baruch ata adonai...thank you. Amen