Yesterday I Cried Out Help

"So when we cry out Help, or whisper it into our chests, we enter the paradox of not going limp and not feeling so hopeless that we can barely walk, and we release ourselves from the absolute craziness of trying to be our own--or other people's--higher powers. Help." Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow

I started writing prayers in a last ditch hope. I had no place else to go. Well actually I was nudged over the edge of a sinkhole by someone else, but who made the sinkhole in the first place? I continued to write prayers because I learned a lot about myself. As I wrote my way through The Artist's Way, several books of the bible, books on prayer, I began to share this process with friends. I continued to write prayers because I realized I had dug myself out, I felt so much better, and what would happen if I stopped? I began to write nightly lists of gratitude. In an organic way the blog began because I needed help.

I almost stopped writing this week because the blog seemed to be going one way, my life was headed in another, and I needed help. Dealing with my husband's health issues and the choices we need to make will be demanding. I saw my mother take care of my father and die nine years before he did. I'm three years younger than she was then. I think care taking wore her out. I can take care of my husband, but I fear for myself, and yesterday I recognized l was turning inward and downward. The sinkhole was just down the road.

Yesterday I knew I had to throw out a buoy in the form of an email to friends and family and some of you, and forever friends and friends I don't know well but have a strong heart connection with. The responses flowed in all day. Each response was different and each supplied a piece of a lifeline. I'm grateful way beyond words and could feel myself gain strength throughout the day. I was encouraged to keep writing.

I'm going to continue writing, but the direction is going to deal more with health issues and survival issues. I would love this blog to be more interactive because in telling your story you give me fuel to take next step, and you will gain a great deal too. I know you will. Sometimes I feel I'm writing in the dark to a big audience only I can't see or hear you. Reach out to me. Reach out to friends. Say, "Help." We can all support each other

Baruch ata adonai...I believe you spoke to me yesterday morning. You said I was sinking and if I intended to do anything about it I needed to reach out. Right? And so I wrote. And I asked for help. I told people I needed support and will continue to need help. I felt it was the only thing I could do to save my life. And then you whispered just the right thing in their ears and asked them to write back to me. I know you're too busy for all this, and I know you're not in the micromanaging business, but I'm going to thank you anyway because I felt your breath in my ear. Amen