We each deal with or ignore or make bargains with our little selves on a daily basis. Today my little self just isn't getting going. I can tell by her look. She's looking at all she needs to do and is feeling overwhelmed. Our tasks are to get six drawings ready to go to the printer, paint some background sheets to go along with them, work on drawings to complete a bookmark series based on the "Our Lady" bookmark I posted Friday, and since I've gone through my inventory, I need to produce more cards. Three discrete tasks. They take time to do and I know what to do. OH, also I do want to write today's blog.
"Help, help, help," little me is crying. "Quick. Get me something by Anne LaMott to hold on to. I don't care. Anything. Look in the section called HELP. I'm drowning here."
"Keep breathing," I advise."I've got things in three piles. See the six drawings we're going to turn into printed cards? And we're going to play with paint later when I come home from my big girl jobs."
"OK. Like you said the other day. Take little steps. But what about all that other stuff crashing down on me. Look in Mark Nepo's book. I bet he has something to help me calm down."
"Help me think of some names for the Our Lady cards. What do you think of 'Our Lady of Romance and Resentment' or 'Our Lady of the Tutu and Boa' or 'Our Lady of I'm Going to Spoil Myself Rotten?'" I'm smiling, but I can see little me is not so easily charmed. We've spent all weekend doing absolutely nothing but kayaking and hiking and eating and napping. Now we need to start taking small steps again and it feels scary. Then I see the quote taped to my computer:
"Your desire is your prayer. Picture the fulfillment of your desire now and feel its reality and you will experience the joy of the answered prayer." Dr. Joseph Murphy
"Here's the deal." I tell little me. "Make this your blog. Go eat. Go pick up your car and hope it's fixed. Go workout. Go do errands. Come home and we'll do the most fun part first. Paint. I picture us painting together and having fun. Let's do that one little step this afternoon, and then see where we are, and then we'll line things up for tomorrow."
"Well, if you ask me, this isn't much of a blog. I suggested you read Anne Lamott and you didn't." She's quite insistent on pouting it seems.
I'm quite insistent on letting my desire be my prayer and my desire is to remember this is all fun. My cards are happy little pieces of art, and I want to enjoy all these steps even as little me is feeling overwhelmed. Today I'm going to move into adult mode for a few hours and do what grownups need to do. Then I'm going to paint. "I promise you, little one, we are going to make a great big mess and paint with our hands! You love messes, don't you!" She has a break though smile.
Baruch ata adonai...some days it's really hard to get going. I want more than anything to just be a lump today. No, I want more than anything walk gently down the list of things I tell myself I need to do. Not all are equally important. Help me to remember my goals are ones I've created. I can change them. I can calendar this out day by day so I know by the end of the week I'll have it all done. I can do that. OK, I can breathe too! Thank you for reminding me of that vital fact! Amen