The Spirits of Joy assignment on day nine was to dream about a relationship I seek. It's where I left off in my blog last week: Choosing Myself I Feed Myself. After a few days of writing and looking for images, I realized I am looking for a new relationship with myself. "I am the heroine of my own truth. I feel it in my body. I allow feelings and space and feel them without fear. See myself. See my feelings. I have answers for me." The page is called: I See You.
Well, I must admit I was thinking about images like balance, free, strong. What I got this weekend was the opportunity to experience feelings of rage, fear, being overwhelmed, the feeling of my blood pressure rising. And so, there it is. The answer to my wanting. I got to practice feeling. I can assure you it didn't feel like practice at the time. Yesterday I had no perspective, but thanks to these pages I can look back and say to myself, "Oh, that's how feelings feel. I love you. I was doing homework!!" I don't mean to make light of it at all. There's heavy sledding coming up in terms of things I need to do, but I didn't stuff my feelings.
So now what? If I am the heroine of my own truth, then what do I feel, what do I do? What is the feeling I'll have if I see myself and show up for myself? What if I open my heart and accept what I see? Then what? This was the next assignment. It took days of writing and thinking. Here's one thing. I've been playing with clothes, with putting together a wardrobe that makes a joyful and playful statement. I want to dress like I'm delighted with myself. All the time. I went to a party last weekend wearing my new "this is me" costume, and the evening was quite amazing. I had a fabulous time and talked to lots of people I didn't know before, people I'll follow up on.
It's not all changing the outside, I can change my inside, I can feel the way I want to feel by doing things I love on a regular basis. I can sing with groups of singers, dance alone, dance my moods, my longing, dance with abandon. I can meditate and live in the present moment, and especially lifesaving: I can limit trying to solve agonizing problems having to do with my computer or the telephone company to one a day.
How do we become warriors for ourselves? How do we hear our words of yearning and longing which whisper themselves in our ears so softly we merely feel the movement of air? How do we dream beautiful dreams that lead us on in our lives giving us internal and external purpose? Once we know those dreams, we can make them happen! This is the amazing thing. I sound like an evangelist. Once we know this, we already have everything we need to make them happen. It is a process. My process now is doing vision books. Yours will be something else. How will you become a warrior for yourself?
Baruch ata adonai...I am here. Yesterday in my anger I felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and alone and afraid. I got a strong message about being a control freak. Do you really use those words? I call it examining the future so when I'm up against a wall I have an idea of where to turn. I think I need to soften a whole lot here and be gentle with myself. This morning my son, Scott, called to see how I am. He heard me when I asked for his help and he shows up. I am so grateful. Amen