The Gift of Silence

"We hear nothing so clearly as what comes out of silence." David James Duncan

I'm tempted to leave the rest of this page empty. Please stop reading here, close your eyes and go to a place where silence enters your pores and swells inside until you begin to melt. I'm in the mountains on my favorite rock overlooking a vast expanse of lake now frozen and covered with snow. My foot prints are the only trace of human life. Birds fly above and my world is still. I breathe it in. I return knowing I must give myself this gift each day for the rest of the year. It's hard to hear when every spare space is filled with music or party or food or shopping or longing or regret or going or coming or cookies.

Baruch ata adonai...today I will fill myself with moments of mountain silence and remember to be grateful. Thank you for the peace you've given me this morning. Amen

Pitching the Past

"David was always there in the marble. I just took away everything that wasn't David." A possibly apocryphal comment by Michelangelo

"Our lives are so filled with junk from the past...it's a wonder we can get up in the morning....If you want to grow, you gotta let go." Gail Blanke, Throw Out Fifty Things: clear the clutter, find your life.

I thought I might make a  list of all the things I'm donating today to the Cancer Shop, Goodwill, toys to be left at the fire station, and the used book store. But then what would I do with the list? I'm having fun deaccessioning my past knowing others will be delighted to make these things their own. Who wouldn't want that practically new full length turquoise down filled bathrobe or those bookends with black labrador dog faces on them! And there's more. At least fifty things more. I'm feeling good!! Wonder who I'll find when I clear away the clutter.

Baruch ata adonai...Wow, this is kind of like the feeling I had when I lost ten pounds last year and didn't miss them at all. I'm grateful to have had this inspiration, and I'm happy to be sharing my life by giving it away to others who will put new life into what no longer serves me. Amen

Early Morning Musings

I'm continuing on with my intention to travel lighter, and now I can see I'm going to have some empty cabinets and closets with gaping holes, and also that I'm going to have another kind of stuff to deal with. Does having a lot of stuff make me feel grounded, does it define my stability, my place, and does releasing it make me feel better or does it make me feel like I've lost something vital or that I could lift off, that my place here is only defined by my stuff? Lots of questions.

As I'm writing, I'm realizing it clearly defines who I used to be, and each has a memory connected to who I am now. I remember where each used to be years and years ago. Right now on a counter next to me is a brass box that was my grandmother's and was on a desk long ago passed on, an ornate green perfume bottle studded with green jewels around the bottom from another grandmother's bureau which stood in a closet I loved to study, a stuffed dog I think I received in my mid teens, a wooden toy gift my oldest son received when he was born. They've all been packed away and I haven't seen them for years. They clearly aren't who I am today. I want to find homes for them. I think I'll create a little ceremony to thank each one for being a part of my life and then pass them on.

Baruch ata adonai...I've begun a process that feels like a transition from one part of my life to another. May I hold it lightly. May I not make it into a referendum on choices I've made or anything more than the reality that it is time to let some things go. Help me keep it simple. Amen

Gentle Intentions to Start Me On My Way

"We are meant to midwife dreams for one another. We cannot labor in place of one another, but we can support the labor that each must undertake to birth his or her art and foster it to maturity." Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

This time of year I begin to make a list, not a list of resolutions, but of gentle doable intentions. This is a list of things no way beyond me, a small challenge in the beginning, and at the same time while I'm making the list, I like to take a step in that direction to make myself believable to me from the get go. I tell myself, this isn't something too hard to start right now.

I intend to travel lighter in 2013. Last night before I went to bed I made a down payment on this plan. In a heap are a portacrib, my black belt skirt which has hung unused for many years, a bed spread my son brought home from Thailand twenty years ago, an airbed which was never comfortable. It's a pile of stuff I'll never use again and is easy to let go. Still hanging in it's bag of 44 years is my going away dress. I'll leave it there a little while longer. I don't need to be ruthless with myself. I'm encouraging movement.

I intend to create more art so I signed up at Creative Every Day to challenge myself to expand my view of all the creative things I do each day. Today I am writing and I am making a small flag of celebration each day in December. In January I'll be ready to take out my acrylics and begin to warm up for my painting trip to Mexico at the end of the month.

I intend to be aware of all the opportunities to say thank you in my life, to appreciate what comes to me in abundance every day, and I'll continue to write three things I am grateful for each evening. I've been exchanging this list with a friend for more than a year. I'm going to see if I can encourage another friend or two to exchange with me in 2013. Thank you for coming to my blog, or inviting it to come to you as a subscriber. Thank you for adding energy to my writing.

Baruch ata adonai... thoughts of apple pie transformed my day a few days ago. The image still serves me in stressful times. Thank you. Thank you for telling me I'm not too full of myself. Thank you for helping me add more light to my life. Amen

Better to Think about Apple Pie

 "We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie." David Mamet, from 1999 play, Boston Marriage

Busy, busy, busy. Insecure about presents for my grandchildren. Rain. Yes in California we must be grateful for that, but sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Gracie was up at four this morning barking to get out, barking to eat, barking for attention. I didn't go back to sleep. I stayed in bed awhile thinking about how to change my mood from cranky to something comfortingly soft and gentle. What came to mind was apple pie. Tart apple pie. A big juicy warm slice of tart apple pie with flaky crust and slightly melting rich vanilla ice cream. Yes!!! Even a virtual slice of apple pie makes me feel happier.

Baruch ata adonai...my day is filled with things I want to do and I want to feel good about myself. I don't want cranky to be my default attitude. Help me forget about thinking I didn't get enough sleep. Whether I did or not, it's still a good fourteen hours until bedtime, and I have a choice. Help me to remember I have a choice. If I get snappy, remind me I don't have to be that way. Remind me at the very least, I can always think about apple pie. Thank you. Amen

Sing Like You Know How

"How is it that music can, without words, evoke our laughter, our fears, our highest aspirations?" Jane Swan

"The Joy of Singing." Isn't that a grand name for a class, a class requiring no talent, no performances and no homework! Each Wednesday I just go and sing and along the way learn about a lot about the structure of music. I've also recovered memories of my year of piano instruction when I was a kid and the memory of walking home from school singing when some older girls walking in the opposite direction made fun of me. My range isn't huge and I often need to shift octaves mid song, but I can see how, with practice, I can get much better. It never occurred to me that even someone my age who sings like I do can get better. That thought alone astounds me. Everything requires practice. I can't remember that too often. Or this: being open to new experiences requires being open.

Baruch ata adonai...thank you for being here to listen to me. Sticking with writing a morning prayer has created a flowering I never imagined and the encouragement to stick with myself. Thank you. Amen

The Way to Write a Prayer is to Sit and Write

"The way to be creative is to make stuff. You can't plan for creativity. You can only plan to do the work....Creativity only comes after the fact." Hugh MacLeod, gapingvoid.com

Most every morning I sit down to write a prayer. Often the blank page is my friend, and while writing, I learn things about myself I didn't know before. Somedays I sit and stare and get up and leave. I can't plan to write a prayer, I can only sit and offer up the possibility. Sometimes I look back amazed. Other times, well, there are other times. My commitment to myself is to show up every morning and see what happens.

Last week I wrote about saying Thank You. Before I left home I had already said thank you three times, once to Gracie, my Labradoodle, and I'm here to testify that I was amazed what a difference it made through out the day as I exceeded my meager goal of saying thank you five times. Also, I'm off the waiting list for the painting retreat in Mexico and will be heading to San Miguel de Allende at the end of January to paint my heart out.

Baruch ata adonai...whether sitting to write a prayer gives me an aha moment or not, I always feel better for sitting here with you with that intention in mind. Thank you for showing up too. Amen