For Today: The Tenderness of the Heart

"Hold your heart in all tenderness. Something healing this way comes." Jen Lemen

"Maybe it's not that we are afraid of love. Maybe we are just afraid of not being loved back."
Terry Hershey

It doesn't take long before something comes along to trip up my good intentions, and yet, by setting a word for my day early in the morning and grounding it with vision pages, I find in the midst of daily challenges this word comes back to me, and it's just what I need to return to my heart and retreat out of my head. So it was with the word I chose five days ago. Delight. 

This word came to me unbidden and I began my vision board. The first picture is of a white dog with freckles around his nose and two yellow tennis balls in his mouth: one dead center and the other somehow in the embrace of his right cheek. How did he do it? I got the feeling he would have three green balls in his mouth if possible. Makes me laugh. And above him is a Carmen Miranda type with grape castenets. Ole. On the right two languorous women stretched on pillows dozing off from reading and under that a great busty coloratura bursting forth with song. I called it Delight: Let Your Senses Take Flight. Then the day started.

I had several unpleasant pieces of business to deal with first off and they were not at all easy to accomplish on new landline phones. I had a hard time hearing and others had a hard time understanding. In a few hours I was exhausted and dispirited and ready for bed, but it was still quite early and the day was ahead. Delight, delight, delight.  I said it again and again and by the afternoon, my day had changed. This is no fluke. The day before, my word was Open. At the bottom of the vision page I had written, "Be willing to Mix and Match." As that day went on, I realized I was feeling better, and open and noticing my micro feelings changed often. Best not to believe any of them for very long.

It's easy to color a day with sadness, disappointment, feeling unloved, and the whole catastrophe of life. Most days are somewhere in between, and our job is to maximize our own happiness, kindness and health. Most days have a little bit of everything combined. Here's a quote from a writing by Rumi: Keep knocking, and the joy inside will eventually open a window and look out to see who's there." And who's out there will be you, a you you accept and are willing to love.

Baruch ata adonai...may I keep my heart tender and soft. May I remember the tenderness of my heart when I  become afraid, which is often covered up by anger and impatience. May I open my eyes to find it's me out there knocking to come in. May I accept myself with love no matter what. Amen

The Joy of a Morning Routine

"Your desire is your prayer. Picture the fulfillment of your desire now and feel its reality and you will experience the joy of the answered prayer" Dr. Joseph Murphy

I love this quote which is taped on my computer. Today my desire is to be open: open eyes, open heart, open willingness, open to gratitude, open to dance with my inner fears and move them, open to my joy and sadness and to laughter.

Yesterday was a non starter. I was awake every single hour the night before. I cancelled my morning workout and sat doing not much of anything. I felt as though I was stealing from my life. Stealing from the hours of that day of my life. It's a horrible way to start a day. But the day did gain momentum. Off to a meeting with my husband, to the used book store to find some magazines with good pictures to cut up and perchance a good bedtime book, which with much gratitude I found. Then one son called, and then the other, and I Skyped with my grandchildren and walked after dinner with a friend. On the whole, the mix and match day was good.

Here's my vision board for today:

Though I really would like to dance with wild abandon, for today, pacing is important. Dip my toe in the water. Notice the beauty around me. Don't be in a hurry to get things done, all those so terribly important things that need to be done.

Along with thinking of my word for the day, the word I'd like to embody, I create a vision board around it. If you want to do this, be open no matter what your word is. Be loose and don't be in your head. Whatever your word is for the day, the first word that comes to you unbidden, open a magazine and find words and pictures that say it to you. Add your own words, or a poem perhaps. Then glue them into a note book in the most random and free way you can.

I have recently created a daily ritual of writing a prayer in 15 minutes. I'm on Day 4. I realized when I started writing this blog, I only wrote prayers on days I wrote the blog and during the summer, that's only been once a week. My prayer muscles have turned to fat. Are there things that you want to do that may seem huge you would start if you did them for only 15 minutes at a time once a day?

This is what's working for me lately.

Baruch ata adonai...I know I often expect much too much of a day. Of myself. Of myself in that day and then I grade the day: great day, good day, sad day, non starter. May I be open to the value of each day. May I dip my toe in the divine. May I dance with the girls who come to the party. May I dance by myself. May I dance my joy and dance my sadness. May I dance with my inner fears and move them and open myself to anything, anything at all and say "It is good." Amen

A Different Kind of I'm Possible

Joy Up!! 

How could I not take an online class whose title alone seduced me. Day by day the inspirational and seductive Hannah Marcotti, took me from step to step to find my soul's longing, and amazing to me, those twelve days of Joy Up will be life changing. Last week's blog was written on day four. I began to think of joy as my soul's longing and explored ways to tap into what that might be. One of the projects was to do vision boards. The process is to get your precious head out of the equation and find pictures and words that sing to you, to your soul, which I'm only beginning to understand, to your heart, and then figure out why you've pasted them together. Perhaps you saw the article in Oprah where I found these pictures and words.

Drawing on my want list from last week's blog I wrote: "I'm Possible. I'll walk into a room knowing people love me or soon will (Byron Katie), wear lovely underpants (I bought a few), love my upper arms (I wear sleeveless shirts despite the skin drapery), love my workout and what I get from it, be beautiful and healthy. 

Next I made this vision board. The chief message for me: regret is poisonous. Here's how to ditch it.

Two days later, my vision board was titled "Ten Ways to Manifest a Different Kind of I'm Possible."

Number ten on this list: How to add more Ahhh-Ohhh to my life.

Yesterday this is what I wrote.

I want to wear a clown nose and dance and sing in my car so people think a party's going on. 

I want to live in a cozy cottage all my own that surrounds me like a sanctuary of tenderness and love. 

I want to focus on my joy until it finally seeps into my pores and out through my eyes, out through the lines in my face, until people ask me what my secret is.

Doesn't mean I've manifested this yet, but I do have a clear vision of me being like that one day soon. 

While looking for Ahhh Ohhh pictures, I found one that riveted me: a picture of a woman and a horse and a light glowing between them. I had to know more. Three hours later, I gave myself an incredible birthday present. I signed up and I felt incredible excitement. More excitement than fear. More surprise than excitement. A week after my birthday in September I'm going to do a workshop on Equine Therapy. I feel just like that little girl. This isn't a class on riding a horse. It's more like getting to a place where I can have a conversation with a horse. Google Koelle Simpson/equine therapy and imagine me there. Imagine you there too!

Only two pictures and a lot of writing. For now, this is my answer to my soul's yearning, my teacher. If you look on the bottom left, you'll see I'm also thinking I will submit a painting to the Stockton Art League's upcoming show. Amend that to I will. 

It has been an incredible twelve day journey. 

If you receive this by email, please click on the title, A Different Kind of I'm Possible, and read it again from there. I would so love for you to take a chance and begin to comment on my blog. I've figured out how to make it easier and asked a couple of frustrated readers to try it, and they've said, it's true. It's easy.  

Baruch ata adonai...I feel as though I've climbed a mountain. This ascent has been joyful. I'm pumping my fist. I look ahead at another steep incline and there I am. It's my head next to a horse's head and there is a lovely white light between us. More climbing to do. I love this. Thank you for being with me on this journey. Are you smiling? Amen

 

                                                                                             

Today I Want a Grateful Heart

Yesterday I received a blog, that got me thinking and writing. What do I want? What do I pie in the sky off the top of my head uncensored want? What do I want without being limited by reality or possibilities? This isn't a bucket list. It's not about doing amazing things or going to exotic places. Some things aren't even possible. Oh, I guess I could train and train and run a marathon, but I don't think I want it that much. I just want to want it. And I probably won't wake up speaking Spanish fluently, but I sure want it. What would be on your list?

I want to be able to eat pizza without farting.

I want to blow joy bubbles.

I want to wake up speaking Spanish fluently. And French.

I want to paint every day with joy and delight.

I want to eat amazing pastries.

I want to run a marathon.

I want to laugh until I cry.

I want to swim laps. I want to swim across Silver Lake.

I want to smell sunshine.

I want new sheets I fall in love with.

I want to be famous for my cards.

I want to be in first love again.

I want to be cheerful all the time.

I want to be someplace warm and sunny for the winter without having to fly to get there.

I want to go to film festivals.

I want to be beautiful and healthy at 80 and today too!

I want to smile more.

I want to have my makeup done to see if it makes a difference.

I want to fall asleep easily and stay asleep all night.

I want to have no governor on my capacity to risk or accept or delight. 

I want an adventure.

I want a grateful heart.

Tonight I'm going to make another uncensored list to see what I come up with. Here's a link to Nancy Roman's blog "Shouldn't I have this...Shouldn't I have all of this?" http://notquiteold.wordpress.com

Last week I wanted an easier way for you to leave comments, and I think I've found it. Please try it with maybe your own wants.

Baruch ata adonai...I want a grateful heart. Thank you. Amen