“Do not let the fact that things are not made for you, that conditions are not as they should be, stop you. Go on anyway. Everything depends on those who go on anyway.” Robert Henri, from The Art Spirit
Perhaps it’s all the introspection of the Jewish High Holy Days, or maybe it’s because it’s the end of meandering effortlessly through long unplanned sunny days at our cabin or maybe it’s the autumnal equinox. I don’t understand why, but I think I’m often uncomfortable inside myself this time of year: supersensitive, touchy, antennae out for slights, feeling ungrounded in unchartered land.
I ask myself what is going on: “Are we going to be doing anything fun?” my teenage self bursts in, hands on hips ready to argue. “Are you going to be mopey again? If so, I’m outta here.” I recognize this unspecific malaise for what it is. A return to an old way of being. I am not content.
The next two days I’ll be sitting in temple in the midst of Jews all over the world, alone with myself, listening to the litany of sins I have committed over the year, thinking of those I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally, including myself. I think a state of discontent is what is required for change.
Baruch ata adonai...here I am. I’m clearer now that what I fear is stepping out of what is familiar into the clouds of empty space. I am grateful for the time ahead to come to new truths and new ways of thinking about who I am. Amen