"Art involves a confrontation with oneself that can be surprisingly uncomfortable." Roderick MacIver
In the next week of painting, I know my ego is going raise its hand to be heard. No it isn't that polite. It doesn't even say excuse me, "I have something to say." It will give a few ahems, and if I don't pay attention it will send off salvos of doubt, fear, insecurity, and certainly reminders I have no art training, no talent, and no confidence. It will use all its seductions to bring me back to a place of long ago, when I did live in doubt and fear. I think it's misinformed and doing what it believes is necessary to keep me recognizable, to keep me safe. It's a sorry old thing.
Here's the truth. I don't live in that land of doubt and fear and insecurity any more. That isn't me. What I'm dealing with is the fear that I will slip back into that even briefly, and it will challenge what I know to be true. So when that siren calls me to its shore, I need to step away. I can go for a walk, dance, sing, go to the bakery across the street, sit in the nearby town square and watch people. I can bring myself to a place of peace and beauty. I can plug bouncy music into my ear. I can recognize this is just a blip on the journey. I can thank it for watching over me and update its information.
Baruch ata adonai...please remind me what I know to be true: I have everything I need to paint with joy and freedom. Remind me playing old tapes is just that. Remind me confronting myself is merely a part of the process. Thank you. Amen