Pushing Beyond Myself

"Push yourself beyond when you think you are done with what you have to say. Go a little further. Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of beginning....It's getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that often something strong comes out." Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

The two canvases I'm working on are meant to have many layers: the final painting's back story. But when and where is the final painting? I've stopped and started and put away these two since last spring. My paintings have a lot of color, a lot of energy, and sometimes they feel as out of control as a two year old. They've never felt done, but yesterday, the first day of the new year, the yesterday when I was out of sorts, I began to see something strong coming out of one of them and now I'm more confident about the other as well. Now it's really getting scary. Now I have to check the self talk, the voice that says, "Careful, you might ruin it," and the other that says, "Being careful will ruin it for sure. There's always more paint. There's going to be a happy ending with this one."

I love being on the brink like this, the brink of knowing there is a breakthrough coming, the brink of feeling all the paining I've been doing is adding up to something, something perhaps only a mother can love, but something nevertheless. The painting process is making more sense to me today. It's just like  editing a story which goes through numerous drafts. The painting takes on a life of it's own with it's own timeline, it's own needs and demands. Be still my heart.

Baruch ata adonai...Thank you. Amen